Mother's Day!

So I just need to write for a quick moment and say what an awesome Mother's Day that I had.  No, my kids did not cook me breakfast; no they did not buy me a card or gift; they had to be reminded to say Happy Mothers day...but it was still great!  We were able to have Cortnie home with us for the weekend which is always wonderful. She only got to stay for four days but I will take whatever I can get.  It was just nice to have her here and to spend time with her. She is growing up so fast (she is almost 24 so should be). 

We went to church that morning and Skyler had to talk.  Of course, he made me cry. He talked about being in the hospital and that I was by his side. He told the story of the horrible Ativan episode and how scared he was - but yet, I was there for him. Then he called me his angel and told me that he loved me. He also said that he knows we don't' always get along, but he is grateful for me.  He has developed a soft side the past few weeks and is giving me those hugs that Boyd used to give - I love it (but wish I could have one from Boyd).

We had an awesome RS lesson and had the sisters in there for it.  We told about heroes from history and showed a video of current heroes - our sisters in the ward. The song was one from Boyd's missionary albums called MOMS - and it started out that we are unspoken heroes and they wanted to thank us for all that we do. The spirit in the room was so high as we talked about heroes in the scriptures and related our lives to them. I love to see people cry - I know they are touched that way.

We did leave a few minutes early to get home to Skype with Boyd.  However, half an hour after he was supposed to be on, I called his bishop in Virginia to see if there was a problem. he called Boyd for me and then my phone rang.  As I answered it, I heard the most wonderful voice - my son!  He was calling to tell me they were behind schedule and getting ready to eat so he would be skyping later.  It was so awesome just to hear his voice - I wish he could call every day.  The next hour went by so slow!  I waited impatiently for the computer to ring.  When it finally did we all sang happy birthday and wore silly birthday hats and tooted horns.  It was fun (his birthday was the next day).  When I saw his smiling face all my worries went away.  He looks so good!  He has a nice tan and looks so fit.  He was smiling from ear to ear the whole time.  He laughed and talked and laughed some more. He opened his presents too.  it was the most wonderful gift I could get.  All too soon it was time to say good-bye again and then the tears came - for both of us.  I know that he is happy and that makes it easier, but I still miss him so saying good-bye is hard.  We said family prayer together which was really cool and he spoke to us in Spanish.  How I love that boy!  We are half way through our phone calls home though so that is a mile stone.  I just wish it would go by faster.  We emailed the next day and he said he was doing great. He said it was not as hard as the last time and he loves his mission.  I still think someone should invent a way to transport a hug though through the computer screen. I miss those so much.

So, yes, Mother's day was grand!  There is nothing more I enjoy more in the is life than taking care of my family and being a mother to my children.  I hope they know that I love them and will do anything for them.  They are my pride and joy

Tears and more tears

So, I am pretty worn out tonight but I have not written for a while. I want to just give a quick update on life....

Skyler is doing so much better. It took a lot longer than I thought it would for him to finally heal but he seems to be there now. He still has to take it easy and still has some pain but it back to his normal self. He is growing up so fast and wants to be independent. I am having a hard time with that as I am still his mom....and I feel hurt quite often by little things he says. I try to blow them off as I don't want him to resent me or church.  I love him so much and know that he has so much potential...I want him to see that too.  So, tears or worry or hurt feelings.

Cortnie had her first "true love" and then decided they should just be friends. She cried so hard but is doing better now. I miss her so much and can't wait for her to come home next weekend for Mother's day.  She is staying in Utah for the summer to work so I still wont have her around much...that is okay though, she would be bored here.   So, tears or heartache and loneliness.

Brittnie has decided to take a job offer from my sister.  she is going to be the office manager of Rick's Psychology practice.  It has taken her a few weeks to decide that she should go. She is scared and does not want to leave what she has here. It is out of her comfort zone but yet there is nothing or no one for her here in Bullhead. She needs to get away where she can meet a nice young man and have a social life. I just worry that she will hide out and do nothing.  She is going to live with Cortnie so that is a good thing.  I am just going to miss her so much.  I know that she needs to go but I dont' want to be alone with no girls here.  I have loved having her live here but she needs her own life.  I am so sad that my children are growing up.  So, tears of sadness and worry.

Boyd is doing awesome.  He is such a good missionary and so valiant. He wants to badly to teach and to testify. He has another companion who does not like to do that and is not very good at obeying all the rules. Boyd is doing his best to obey them no matter what.  He wants to be happy and is there to testify of Christ.  Next week is Mother's day so we get to Skype with him. I can hardly wait. His birthday is the day after so we are going to wear birthday hats and sing to him too.  I am sad as I think he will not be here for his birthday but would not want him any other place.  I am so proud of him....so, tears of missing my boy and wanting a hug so bad.

Rob is still my best friend.  We seem to never have time for each other as we are so tired and running all the time.  I miss my alone time with him and my dates.  I will need him now more than ever as I send another child away.  He lets me cry and comforts me.  I love him to eternity and beyond. So, tears of gratitude for the best thing to every happen to my life.

So,yes lots of tears right now.  I am tired of working and being so tired. I am so concerned for many of the sisters in my ward and so grateful for what I have.  I just pray for love, understanding, patience, humility and guidance each day.  If I try to do what tis right and serve where I can, I am truly blessed. 

Skyler Surgery

Such a long week and so glad that is finally over.  Surgeries, hospitals, doctors, pain, sickness, hard beds…..all make for one very tired momma but one that is willing to do it as many times as needed.  I am just so glad to be home tonight though and here with Rob and Brittnie again.  I really did not think we would be home until at least tomorrow but I will count it as another tender mercy from my Heavenly Father.

 Skyler had surgery six days ago.  He had a birth defect called pectus excavatum….basically his chest muscles were not strong enough to hold his rib cage out so as his heart and lungs got larger, they began to get squished due to the chest not moving out.  The fix for that was to put a titanium rod into his chest between his ribs and his heart and lungs. That rod will allow the muscles to strengthen so eventually they will push the chest wall out on their own.  The rod will be removed in two years with the hopes that it will be stong enough to do the job.  This surgery has been known to be one of the most painful surgeries that there is.  If you can imagine someone constantly pushing out from your insides and never stopping – that is the pain.  His body will eventually get used to it and the pain will lesson.  He will have to take it very easy for a few months to prevent any type of injury taking place.  I was not excited for the surgery and neither was he. He was trying to be so strong and brave and not admit that he was scared, but I could read thorugh his eyes and knew that he really was.

We had to leave Bullhead at 5:30 last Thursday morning to be at the hospital by 7:30.  It was dark as we left and silent tears rolled down my cheeks.  I was scared.  My little baby was going to put under anesthesia and have someone work very closely to his tender heart.  I am a worrier and imagined any and every thing that could go wrong.  Once we got the hospital, we waited for almost three hours before they called us back.  I could not believe we sat there for that long.  They took us back to the pre-op room where he put on one of those lovely gowns, got his IV started and we waited – another two hours.  He was starving, we were nervous and yet we waited.  Finally the doctor came in and asked if we had any more questions.  Then the anesthesiologist came in and talked to us about the epidural. Skyler was more afraid of the big needle in his back than he was for the surgery.  He asked if he could be asleep when the epidural was put in but was told he needed to be awake to help guide it into the right spot in his back.  This made Skyler cry which started me crying too.  I suddenly saw how scared my little boy really was and it hurt.  We told him it would be okay and not to worry – that the angels would be with him and to be strong. Then we had to say good-bye and more tears came. The sleepy doctor had started to walk away then suddenly came back.  He asked if we were LDS and said he was too. Then he asked if we would like to say a prayer before the surgery. He even offered to say it for us.  I have never had a doctor do that before – not even when we lived in Utah.  We had to say good bye again so more tears.  As they took him down one hall way and told us to go the other way, I clutched Rob’s hand and the tears came.  We just walked around for a few minutes then went to wait some more.  It is so hard to sit there knowing your child is in someone else’s hands and there is nothing you can do but pray. 

waiting for surgery

Recovery Room Phone Break

 About two hours later the surgeon came out and told us that it was beautiful – it all went very well.  He did say Skyler had a hard time with the thought of the epidural but he was pretty much out of it when they put it in – had given him meds to calm him down. He told us again he would be very sore and it would now be a waiting game.  We were allowed back to see him about 20 minutes later. As we got there, he was just starting to wake up and was moaning with pain.  The tears were trickling down his cheek.  We comforted him and told him we were there and that seemed to calm him down some. However, the pain was enormous.  They had meds going into his epidural at a rate of 6 but about an hour later raised them to an 8.  He finally had some relief and was able to sleep.  We spent the next 7 hours in the recovery room with a very kind nurse waiting for a bed to open up in the ICU.  Skyler kept waking up to check to make sure we were still there.  I even got some video of him snoring (actually snorting) which is very funny.  He slept most all afternoon and does not remember anything about the recovery room. About 9:00 that night we finally got put into our own room in the ICU.  They continued to monitor his pain and tried to keep him comfortable.  Rob left for the hotel room about 10:30 that night and I tried to get comfortable on one of those chairs that pull out into a bed.  The night was long as they kept coming in to take x-rays (at 2:00 a.m. mind you) and check his levels and draw his blood.  No wonder no one ever sleeps in the hospital.  I was very tired so lept okay but kept waking up to check on him…..he was pretty out of it. 

 The next day was Friday.  Brittnie came up after work that night to stay for a few days too. It was so tender when she came over to stand by his bed. I looked at her and huge puppy dog tears were rolling down her cheeks.  I asked her if she was okay and she said it hurt to see him that way.  She really does love him!  That day was filled with lots of sleeping, nausea, throwing up, pain and more pain.  He would try to stay awake for a little while but mostly just slept. We told him that is what his body needed to encouraged him to do so. That night, we both slept very sound. I only remember the nurses coming in one time but I guess they were there every two hours. 

 I wish I could say that Skyler snapped right out of it and everything was great.  However, that was not the case.  He struggled. The pain meds were making him nauseated so they had to keep giving him stuff for that. However, the first med they gave him (for three days) did not help at all.  He would try to eat but had no appetite. They did turn the epidural back down to a five that day so his pain meds were decreased.  He did so well with that.  He actually went one time for almost 6 hours with no breakthrough pain meds in his IV.  That night they gave him Benadryl (after he threw up yet again).  That seemed to take away the nausea and he slept all through the night….and so did I!! 

His new chest

 Sunday was the day they were going to take out the epidural….however, they had not turned it down far enough yet and the nausea was still too bad. Skyler did very well all day though with being alert and awake.  He watched a lot of TV and talked to us. He still did not eat tons but was doing better it seemed.  He did not complain as much about the pain and things were looking up.  But then Monday came….

 Monday morning was just like the others.  Got him breakfast, watched some TV, visited with doctors. They did take the epidural out that day which was such a relief. That meant that he also got the catheter out.  However, that meant he had to sit up now to use the bathroom as he no longer had a tube to do it for him.  That afternoon Dan from Occupational therapy came to visit us. He had Skyler actually get out of bed.  He sat on the edge first and then stood up for about one minute. He got so dizzy and nauseas that they put him back in bed. They said that was pretty good for his first try and told him to rest.  They next day would be walking.  Well, that started the bad night.  Rob and Brittnie left that afternoon about five which was hard for Skyler. He wanted his dad to stay with him too.  He cried really hard when they left.  It really broke my heart.  Then the nausea started to come back really strong.  I could always tell when it was coming as he would get really hot and start to sweat.  He had these little blue bags to puke into and they usually did pretty good.  However, this time it did not. He threw up so hard and violently. It hurts his chest to do so and he exploded everywhere – including all over me.  I was alone with him at the time so I hit the call nurse button and one came in. I told her what had happened and she went and got me some wipes to clean him up…then she left. I could not believe it.  His nurse eventually came in and we had to strip the beds, his clothes, wash him completely off and get him comfortable again.  It was pretty bad. He did feel better though – for a while.  Then it hit again.

 For some dumb reason that we do not know of, his doctor that day and discontinued the Benadryl and so they would not give it to him for his nausea even though that worked this best.  The nurse called the doctor and they ordered Ativan. When they told me what it was, I did not have the best feeling about it and I should have said so – but I hate to tell a doctor what to do.i regret that decision now.  Within minutes of him getting that med through his IV – not even having it all yet- he lost it. It was supposed to calm him down and help him sleep but it did just the opposite.  He had a horrible panic attack that lasted almost two hours.  He told the nurse and I as she was giving the med that he felt really funny and did not like ti. She told him it was just the med and to relax.  Before long, he was crying. He kept asking me what was happening and said he was scared.  He kept telling me there were people in the room and that there were black spots on the ceiling.  I will never forget the scared look in his eyes when he would look over at me with red eyes and ask me what was going on.  He kept saying “mom, I am scared”. He told me over and over again that he loved me and that he was afraid something was going to happen to him.  He kept asking when it would stop and if he would remember it…if it was a dream. At one point, he told me I had four noses then as he reached for my nose and felt only one, he cried harder.  I wanted so bad to cry too – I admit tears did run down my face when he would settle for a minute or two only to jerk awake and start it all over again. I called Rob – but he did not answer so I called my dad. I told him I needed him to pray and do it right then. Then I got hold of Rob and told him the same thing. I had him try to talk to Skyler to calm him down but that did not work either. He had the kindest nurse that night that had the magic touch. She gently placed her hand on his chest and repeated over and over again “breathe, one, two, three, four, five.”.  It seemed to work – until we stopped saying it.  For two hours I saw such fear and panic in my son’s eyes. I fell asleep at the side of his bed holding his hand.  He finally slept – until about 4:00 then a smaller version started again. He asked me if it was a dream or if it was real. I told him it was real but that he was fine. Then he started to panic again and tell me how afraid he was.  He finally slept about 4:30 – and did so for most of the day.

 That day was very long. I was all alone, scared, wondered why I had not listened to my gut, and it was so quiet. We let him sleep – for almost 8 hours he slept that day.  He did not ask for pain meds but did not eat either as was still upset to his stomach.  They did get him out of bed again and made him sit in a chair for half an hour which he really hated.  He told me he could not do it and wanted to go back to bed.  When he finally did, he slept again.  I so hated that day. 

 Tuesday morning we had a nurse who was not very kind.  She was the worse one we had. She was mean and cruel and so was the surgeon that day. He basically told Skyler to stop being lazy and get out of bed.  Tell him to do that when you get so sick and dizzy you can’t stand up.  We did get transferred out of ICU to a regular room which was much nicer. I finally saw a smile on his face when he saw an x=box in his room.  They did not have any good games though so we watched Disney movies instead.  He was feeling better that night and they made him get up again and he actually walked this time.  That meant he could start using the bathroom too.  Skyler did not sleep at all last night even with the Benadryl.  He woke after two hours and was awake for four. I told him to watch TV but he would not turn it on as he did not want to keep me awake.  He had such manners the whole time we were there to everyone – always telling them thank you even when he was doped up.  They gave him more Benadryl about 1:30 and again it only worked for two hours. I slept laying my head on his bed again holding his hand.  About 6;30 we decided we were done fighting and put in a movie.  I dosed somewhat during the movie but he did okay.

 

Dad came!

 
He got up to use the bathroom (which he had done all night be himself) about 7:30.  The door opened as he went in and there stood Rob.  I wanted to cry. I so needed him on panic night.  Skyler had just told me last night too that he was afraid his dad was not proud of him and was upset that he was not strong and fighting harder. He said he missed him.  When he threw up so bad, it got all over his pillow.  So I sent it home with some friends to get washed.  Rob had brought it back. We put it on the bed to see if Skyler would notice and Rob hid around the corner.  Skyler came out and sat on the edge of the bed talking to me. He suddenly noticed the pillow and asked where it came from. I told him Kim had brought it back but he did not believe me. Then he saw Rob – he stood up with no pain and ran into his dad’s arms. They both cried.  It was so awesome!  From then on it was downhill…he sat by us on the couch and opened presents, he played games with Rob and the x-box; he walked all over the hospital when the therapist came – he wanted to go home.  The nausea suddenly disappeared and so did the feeling sorry for himself. The pain was at a one.  They came in about 1:00 and told us the surgeon had forgot to come in, but he was okay with us going home if we felt okay about it. You did not have to ask twice. We were gone within an hour.  It was so great….we finally are home and now the healing can begin.  He is a totally different person tonight – he still hurts some but is doing all that he normally does.  He is so awesome.  I just have to put a reign on him to keep him from doing too much.  As Skyler says’ I hate hospitals”. 

Final Stop on Way Home

Challenges

Life is not always easy.  Sometimes I wonder when the tidal wave will hit and the rainbow will disappear.  I never plan or want for those moments, and they are hard when they come.  I found the cutest quote yesterday..."when you feel like you are drowning in life, remember your lifeguard walks on water."  How true that is!  I am so grateful for my Savior and all that he has done for me.  I feel so inadequate of the blessings sometimes, but I am so grateful for them.

We will have a huge challenge this week and I am trying so hard not to stress out over it but I am not doing very well at that.  Skyler has to have surgery in three days and it is not going to be easy. It is never easy to see your children hurting and this will be very hard. His surgery is inserting a titanium rod into his chest behind the rib cage and in front of the heart. His chest is caving in cause his heart and lungs to be squished.  If it continues, it can be fatal.  The surgery itself does not take very long, but it is really painful. He will be in the hospital for up to a week and in ICU for quite a bit of that time due to the pain. He will be under strict limitations for a while as he will have to be extremely careful with what he does.  I am worried and scared as any mother would be. he says he is not nervous at all and is just fine.  Deep down inside I think otherwise as I have seen that scared look in his eyes.  We feel really good about the doctor and hospital he will be in and know that he will be okay.

The hardest part so far was telling Boyd.  He found out today as we did not want to tell him months ago when we found out.  We have been going to Vegas for numerous appointments and check ups.  We did not want Boyd to worry too much as he is like me and worries a lot.  He was okay today when we told him, but he also said he was nervous and scared for him.  It has to be hard to be far away and not even be able to call.  We will call Sister Wilson after the surgery is over and she will contact Boyd to tell him. Part of me hopes he gets to call home but I am not counting on it.  I just want him to know as soon as it is over that he is okay. Then he can have others text me during the week for updates.  It is hard not being able to talk to him.

We are doing okay besides that.  School, work, church, friends, family...it all keeps us busy but that is what makes life so great. I would not want it any other way.  Family is the most important thing to me that there is. 

To a stressful week filled with peace and love from above. 

2014 Was a Great Year!!

Seems so strange to say good-bye to another year and welcome 2015.  We have been so blessed and I can not even begin to list all of the wonderful events of 2014.  I am so grateful to have the many blessings that I do - my wonderful family, the gospel, my testimony of Jesus Christ, my health, my happiness, jobs, food, clothing...the list goes on and on.  I am so thankful and many times do not express that thanks for all that I have.  My heart is happy and smiles when I look around at what I have.  Thank you for making 2014 a great year!! ...and here is hoping 2015 will be even better.

The month of December was such a whirlwind of events for me.  My life was on turbo speed and I honestly do not know how I made it through.  There is no way in the world I would have been able to do it alone- my Heavenly Father was the source of my strength and my family was my cheerleaders.  People would ask me how I could go 18 to 20 hours a day and still be able to smile and function.....my only answer is the angels from up above.  I could not have done it without them.  I was pulled every which direction but I truly feel like it was one of the best holiday seasons I have had in a long time.  I tried so hard to be happy and not get down....most days I did pretty good but there were nights I cried myself to sleep wondering how I could go on.  The next morning would come though and I was up and ready to go.  I was able to help so many people and bring the spirit of Christmas into their lives.  From work to church to my family - the spirit of service was in the air. 

We were able to provide Christmas to 33 children in our ward this year - all with the help of members who so willingly give of what they have.  I was overwhelmed once again as I worried about asking them for help in providing gifts to children.  however, the response was overwhelming.  They went way above and beyond what they should have done to help a child smile on Christmas morning.  It truly makes your realize the true spirit of Christmas when you see someone give so much of themselves.  As we delivered gifts to the families, the tears in the parents eyes was enough of a thank you for me.  I knew that they would be able to smile on Christmas morning. Church also took its tole on me as family members passed away, children were put into hospitals, wives were worried about protecting their children from a drunken father.....so much stress but yet, I was able to handle it all.  Sometimes I would just have ot laugh as the bishop and I would talk once more about another problem in the ward - but it was either that or cry.

Christmas in my own family was so wonderful!  We were able to put up the decorations and listen to music all month long and enjoy the spirit of the season.  Cortnie came home on Skyler's birthday which was so great!  She has not been here the past two Christmas's as she was on her mission. She knew how to handle my tears when I would start to miss Boyd - as she has been in his shoes.  Having him here would have made the season even more special - but yet having him serve makes my heart even happier as he is bringing joy to other families as well.  I do have to admit that the Skype call from him on Christmas was the high light of my day.  I loved watching my other children open their gifts and hearing them laugh, but seeing his handsome face - that smile with those dimples - was the best gift I could have received that day.  I miss him so badly and wish so much I could just have a big hug.  I miss those big arms around me.  However, he looks so great!  He has lost some weight, has gained a stronger testimony, has learned how to endure companions whom did not love him, has grown to love oru Savior - how can I take that away from him.  We laughed and cried for over two hours (another Christmas blessing).  We opened a few gifts from each other and then just talked - about his new life and those whom he is teaching.  I miss that boy so much but I know that he is where hs is supposed to be.  Our Heavenly Father has asked for him for two years - I get him the rest of his life so two years is nothing although it seems like forever.  As it came time to say good-bye though, the tears started to flow from both sides.  He knew that he would not see our faces again for five months, yet he was strong enough to say good-bye and hit the end button on the screen.  I wish I could have wiped those tears away....that I could have just had one hug.  He has grown so much and I am so proud of him!  I so look forward to Mondays each week so I can chat with him.  He truly is my angel.

Christmas here was so awesome.  Santa out did himself as usual. It seems like the older the kids get, the  more expensive and smaller the toys are.  I struggled to find things to please my kids this year and I think I did okay. They were all very happy when it came right down to it.  Even Skyler seems way grown up as he kept thanking me. My little baby is not too little anymore.    It was so fun to see them act like little kids. They wanted to wake us up at 6:30 like they usually do and I told them a great present would be for them to let me sleep till 8:00.  Well, they did. However, we were awake about 7:45. We decided to play a trick on them.  We hid in our closet when they came into our room. We heard them say "they are not here...and I bet they slept in the trailer" Well, they knew they could not go into the living room, so we peek out the door to see our children climbing out of our bedroom window.  First Skyler, then Cortnie - only she got stuck. We started to laugh so hard that Brittnie heard us and told the others that we were in the house somewhere.  She found us in the closet.  I so wish I would of had a camera to take pictures of them....it was the best trick ever.  My adult children really are still kids at heart.

The whole day  was really nice. We were so relaxed and at ease. We had a friend come over for dinner and the elders came here to Skype their parents when we were done with Boyd. It was just a day to help make others happy and feel the spirit of Christ.  I so wish and hope that we can continue that same spirit all year long.  I hope as this new year starts, that I can keep Christ in my heart.  I want my home to feel more like a temple and to have more happy smiles. I want our home to be a place where others can come to get away from the world and know that they are safe here. I want my home to be like His.

Our vacation was so great too!  We were able to go for over a week this time and it went by way too fast.  I love being with our families.  I will say that I was ready to come home today, yet I was so not.  I wanted to be back in my home but I did not want to be away from family.  It is hard to be here all alone and to have our family split apart. I so look forward to the day when we can finally move closer to them - at least I hope someday that it will happen.  I want to be able to spend more time with my parents and siblings - and my own children.  I can not really say that any part of our vacation was better than another - it was all just great!  It was nice to just relax and not worry about work or church or school or health or any of that. We just relaxed.  I still do not want to get back into live right now, but unfortunately that has to happen.

2015 does bring some challenges with it but I pray that we can endure them well. Skyler will be having major surgery in a couple of months that really scares me.  I have not told Boyd yet about it as I do not want to worry him. I just want him to concentrate on his mission. We will let him know when it happens so he can pray with the rest of us.  We will continue to miss our son as he is away too and hopefully our daughters can find some new friends and new exciting in their lives. I still am anxiouss for a grandbaby - but need those weddings first.  I know that no matter what, our Heavenly Father will bless us and help us in all that we do.  Here is to a great year!!!

Holidays are Here

It is my favorite time of year again and I LOVE it.  I love the joy, the peace, the songs, the smells, the happiness, the generosity, the kindness, the lessons, the decorations - I just love it all.  I wish it could be like this all year long.  It is too bad that only one month of the year people take time to truly act like Christ.  I am just as guilty at times. I try so hard all year long to show Christ like

love and to be of service to others.  However, there are times that I am praying the phone will not ring and that I can not have to worry about everyone else.  I was reminded today though that I am a betrayer to Christ if I act that way. I need to remember that all that I do I do for Him.  He has given me everything that I have so I can I deny him the help that He needs for his children.  It is not always easy and at times I wish that it would go away; but I will try so hard to change my thinking and my attitude. I  want to serve my family, my sisters, my community.  I want to give back and help others to feel of His love.  I need to do that all year long, not just at Christmas.

The holidays are truly wonderful for me though. I love to cook, to decorate; to celebrate. I love to shop and to give and to create surprised.  I love to be with my family and be there for them.  This year will find my family not complete once again.  I knew when Cortnie went on her mission that we would not all be together for the holidays again for four years.  We are on year three - so halfway through - and I still don't like it.  I know that my children are growing and they will not always be home for the holidays, but I miss them so. Cortnie was not able to come home for Thanksgiving this year as she choose to work instead sot hat she can have extra time off at Christmas.  In fact, we had no family here for  turkey day this year.  We invited a single sister that is Britt's age over though as Idaho was too far for her to go and at the last minute, we had James and Brenda with their girls over.  It was nice.  I enjoy cooking and baking so it is nice to cook for a crowd. We have had my sister here the past few years and I have to admit I really missed that this year.  I miss spending time with her.  I am so looking forward to the day when we can live closer to them and hopefully be able to be together all the time.  I miss my best friend. 

We were also missing Boyd this year.  I am okay as long as I don't think about it - but my heart hurts.  I think of him being alone with no family there and I know that it is twice as hard for him.  We are such a holiday oriented family.  I am grateful for the family that took him in for Thanksgiving and sent me wonderful pictures to enjoy. That was so awesome!!  I even got a text (from the member) that said "I love you mom and dad"....Elder Beatty.  He was right there and I could not even talk to him.  I am so looking forward to Christmas - for the presents and the laughter  - but so that I can actually talk to him and see his beautiful face.  I miss my boy so much.  He has really struggled the last couple of weeks to the point that I emailed his mission president's wife and explained that he needed to talk to president Wilson.  He is still have tons of problems with his companion and feels so bullied.  He needed to talk to him before transfers.  Well, transfers are this coming Tuesday.  He should have found out yesterday if a change was going to be made and I have been praying so hard that it will be.  He needs to feel loved and to feel like he has a purpose there.  He needs to be able to be a missionary and share his love of Christ with the people.  I am not sure he will last much longer if he is still with this comp.  He really wants to stay in his area though so hopefully he will stay and his comp will be reassigned.  We should find out tomorrow - if he gets pday that is.  I have no clue if we will hear from him or not. I sure hope so!!  I need to know how he is doing.  I miss him so much and am so proud of him.

Now we start a very busy month with lots of shopping and service.  Our star giving program is huge at church and it takes a lot of work.  I love the generosity of my ward family though and what they give to the children of our ward. We get to shop for them and take them gifts and take them food. What a true blessing that is and will be for so many.  We are truly blessed so I will help when and where I can. We are also sending gifts to a sister in Boyd's mission who has not much support or possessions. We will send her some stuff and hope that she will feel loved.  I wish I could help everyone but the money only goes so far.  I am excited to share the Christmas spirit with those around me and to help them feel of His love. 

So, as the holidays approach, I hope to make this season more of what Christ would have me do. I will try to remember each day to ask who that day I can help and what I can do for them.  I still have my own family to take care of and maybe they are the one I need to help that day.  I am way excited too to visit our families and take time off of work.  Tomorrow we go to the doctor with Skyler to see if he needs surgery so that scares me some too.  I hate to travel and I have such huge fears of something happening so am tempted to cancel.  Faith - I lack in that area sometimes and I need to rely on it more. I know that my Saviour and Heavenly Father will provide and take care of us.  I will share that spirit this season and try to bring the real reason for Christmas into my home. 

Tired Momma

As I sit here on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, the sun is shining but I can finally turn off my air conditioner. The weather is absolutely perfect!!  I so with it would stay like this for many more months - and not get cold.  I want to be out side right now - walking or running or just sitting.  I want to enjoy the little breeze and just relax.  Those are my plans for later today - to go for a nice walk and hopefully be with my family.

Work has been so crazy lately as well as our lives. I am so worn out and tired but somehow I find the strength each day to go on.  I know that it is my Heavenly Father giving me that strength.  I can do anything with his help.  We have had two people quit at work so guess who gets to work all the extra hours?  My days are long and so busy that it is hard to settle down when I come home at night.  I have not been running hardly at all so my body is putting weight back on and that has sent me into sadness. I worked so hard to get that weight off and now have to do it all over again. I am not up to where I used to be, but it is enough that I am not comfortable in my clothes and I don't feel as healthy. Tomorrow starts my new journey....I need to lose weight before the holidays.  I need to feel and look better.  I need to make and find time for myself but I feel so guilty when I do.  I feel like I am ignoring my kids when I do that and then I get videos from them saying that they felt alone in their own home. That totally breaks my heart.  it is precious time that I can never get back.  I hate that thought that my children have those types of memories.  If only I could do it all over again. 

We have been traveling a lot too on the weekends.  We went to Phoenix to the new temple open house - which was so awesome by the way. I love it that my kids like to be in the temple.  We went to Vegas for Kaylin's missionary farewell. We went to Vegas twice more to pick up and take back Cortnie after she came down for a visit for her birthday.  It was such a great weekend but it reminded me how much I miss her so much.  We will be going to Vegas twice more in the next two weeks and then maybe to Panaca for Thanksgiving.  I just am tired of traveling but so grateful for the memories that we are making.  I have a great family who puts up with so much from me.  I love them dearly.

I still miss Boyd each and every day.  I wish so bad I could just have a hug. How grateful I am when those arms are around me tight as I feel his hugs - just like he was here - even if it is only a dream.  I don't believe they are coincidence.  I believe they are truly tender mercies from my Heavenly Father.  I worry about him as he has some issues with his companion and pray that he can last long enough to see through him and become a true missionary.  I am so proud of him. 

I worry about all of my children. My prayers morning and night and en between are that they are healthy and strong and happy. I pray that they will be guided to know what to do with their lives and how to make the most of them. I pray they will have friends and that others will love them as I do. it breaks my heart to hear and see them just sitting at home with no one to do anything with.  I really wish I could have a second chance....maybe with grandkids if I ever get any.

Life is good...I get down quite a bit lately but try to hide it or ignore it.  I have too many other people to worry about that I need to put them first.  That is what Christ would do and that is what I want to do.  it makes me happy...tired but happy.