What Happened to my Live?

Holy cow, I knew it had been a while since I had written anything but not a whole year.  I think about it all the time, but am so not good at this journaling  thing. I need to be better.  Right now, life is in such a chaos and my heart is very full.  Tears fall very easily and my mind goes a thousand miles a minute.  Let me start with some good stuff though - if I can remember it. 

We finally finished the house!  The basement is done and the dust is gone.  Ror worked every night after work for three or four  hours in the basement and all day on Saturday. We all helped...we nailed and painted and got dirty together so that part was nice. It was great to bond. However, the mess was horrible.  I just finallly had to give up trying to mop my floor every night.  We did hire out some help with the sheetrock and HVAC but other than that, we did it ourselves. Rob says he will never do it again. We also hired out the yard as we were tired of the dirt and just wanted it done.  It is so nice to have it all done but I still wonder sometimes why we bought such a large home.  I do love it and am proud to call it mine.  Britt, Boyd and Skyler all live here with us so that is fun too but I so worry that do not have a social life at all. Brittnie will be 30 this year and wants so badly to be married and have kids. I want that for her too. She tries to be social in her ward and do things but still has not had a date if years.  She was going to move in an apartment with some friends but that fell through so at the last minute, she joined us here too.  I do LOVE having them here, but I am afraid they are getting too settled in and won't move on with their lives. The boys did find jobs as academic coaches at a charter school close to us and they love it.  Skyler says he thinks maybe he is supposed to be a school teacher now.  Boyd still does his online art school and Britt works for Rick still. 

As for Cortnie she is still in Florida. I miss her terribly but she seems happy. She was supposed to come home this week but things have changed so we won't see her now for a couple of months. She has a boyfriend now who treats her like a queen but he is not LDS and that worries her. She wants to marry someone who has the same believes as her and will raise her children in a forever family.  She has decided to leave Disneyworld though and go back to graduate school. She was accepted to the top school in the nation - Boston University- which is great, but still so far away. And, it is so expensive. She will have so much debt when she is done. She is supposed to start there in the fall. 

We have had great memories this past year. We spent a week in Orlando with Shawn, Coby and Tina's families but we were mostly on our own. It was so great to be with Cortnie for that long and laugh with her. She says the hardest part of being away is listening to all of us when she calls as we laugh and play together. I know how she feels as I was that way for 27 years. I try to include her as much as I can, but it is hard.  She was also here for a week at Christmas time which was the best!  I always want my family near for the holidays and was glad she was able to come.  Nothing is better than having all of my children together under my own roof - and the love the fact they all have their own rooms and beds too.  The memories of sharing rooms and sleeping on air mattresses will always be there but at least now everyone can be more comfortable. 

It is still so great to be near family although we dont' do as much with them as I thought we would.  Everyone is so busy and they all have little children still at home, but it is still nice to be close.  Rob's mom is not doing great and is bed bound now so that is hard.  She has demetia really bad so does not remember things. That is hard on Rob to see her that way but we still love her.  My parents are doing okay but mom is getting weaker every day.  My awesome dad has so much patience with her and takes care of her without complaint. She has him up three or four times a night and he does all the household chores and cooking. I try to help as much as I can and we visit often.  They still try to make family events and activities even though it is hard on them.  I love them so much.

Life ....well, life right now is totally not ordinary.  There is a horrible virus that has over taken the wold - COVID19.  It started in China and has worked its way here.  It has taken the lives of so many people and is a horrible sickness that has no cure.  We have been basiclly quarantined to our homes for the past two weeks and have been asked to do it at least two more weeks. We can leave to get groceries or to the doctor, but can't visit family or meet in groups of ten or more.  We can still go on walks but have to still 6 feet away from anyone not in our home.  Missionaries are being sent home from all over the word (Brayden comes home this week) and have to quarantine for 14 days then will be reassigned someone in their home country. Restaraunts can no longer have people inside so all have curb side takeout or drive through.  Travel is disrupted....they don't want us to take planes anywhere, cruise lines have shut down ( my work was taking us on a cruise in three weeks which has been cancelled),  and Disney has closed!!  The happiest place on earth is bare right now. Cortnie is still getting paid but is just stuck at home.  That is why she will not be home this week - we don't dare put her on a place.  I have switched on online order pickup at the grocery store once a week and take food to mom and dad when I do.  We are all working from home now except for Brittnie. The schools have all closed and are doing virtual classrooms so the boys do that each day while Rob and I do our regular work. I am just so glad our jobs can be done from home. If I was in the pharmacy still, I would have to go in everyday.  It is not much fun staying home all day long though so I try to walk on my breaks.  The movie theaters and all fun places are shut down so we are basically on our own.  It is so lonely and so hard. 

To say I am not worried would be a a lie. I am not really scared but I am worried. Do I have enough food to feed my family; will one of us get sick; will Cortnie be okay so far away and if something were to happen, could I go to her; will my parents be okay; will my siblings be able to survive as some of them have lost their income....so many things to worry about it.   However, the gospel brings such peace to my heart.  I have found things in the scriptures I have not found before.  I have turned to gospel music on Sunday.  We can not have church either so we have church in our home every Sunday. How grateful I am we have the priesthood here to admisister the sacrament to us.  Next week is General Conference and I can hardly wait. We were told at the last conference that this next one would be one like no other ....well, that is for sure. There will be no conference building, no choir, and only the speakers allowed in the room. It will all be through broadcast only.  I am so grateful for President Nelson and is short videos he puts out on facebook or LDS.org that tell us to have peace and comfort in Christ. He has told us this will pass but I sure wish I knew when.  I am so ready to listen to him next week. Today has been hard.   I am the only one awake still so have church music playing, got ready for church - hair curled and dress on, but I am so weapy today.  I cry for no reason yet I feel so peacful. 

I will say, this is not fun at all.  I am trying to make the most of it and not be afraid. I am trying to be positive for my family.  It is not easy though when every where you look you see or hear about the virus.  I just am ready for it to be over  I am ready for my life back. I want to see my daughter in Florida and be able to hug her.  I want to go on vacation with my family and I want to have a huge party.  I know I need to be patient and try my best to listen to the government and stay home. They say that distancing is what will make this all go away.  It will keep spreading if we are together.  I just can't help wondering if this is the end?  Is Christ coming soon?  If so, am I ready to meet him face to face and let Him love me. To tell Him I am sorry for all the nails that were mine that were put in his feet and hands.  Am I ready and am I worthy for His hug?  I am not sure we are at that point yet, but it makes me wonder if this is what it will be like?  I just want to be happy and to be free.  I want to know that I am worthy and that my family is too. My son still will not go to church so I worry that he will be left behind.  I want us all together.

So, life right now is interesting.  I hope to stay positive and have more positive notes next time I write.  Today is a day of fasting and prayer worldwide. I pray that prayers will be answered and this will all be over quickly. Until then, we try to hold on to what we have and be thankful for it.