One more day.....everyday that goes by I am thankful for one more day. I am grateful that I can get out of bed in the morning, that I can see and walk and talk. I am grateful that I have a wonderful family and that we are sealed forever. I am grateful for extended family that I love so much and long for the time we can be with them more. Everyday I count my blessings and know that they come from above.
We are here right now in Panaca visiting Rob's parents. Dads health is not very good anymore so they have a very hard time traveling. We are on Spring break this week so decided to come for a couple of days. Unfortunately, we have to go home tomorrow so some of us can go back to work on Thursday. We have not done much while we are here - which is the way it usually is. However, this time I brought stuff to do. I got completely caught up on my photo albums yesterday and today I started Cortnie's scrapbook. She made it known that she would like me to put her photos in a scrapbook since she will not have time when she comes home. She will just have to label the pictures this way. I am not sure that I have tons of tiime to do a scrapbook either, but I will do my best. I am also not that creative so it is nothing special but it does look nice. It makes me feel close to her when I can do things for her and look at her pictures. My goal is to do a little each Sunday so I don't get behind....we shall see. We were able to "talk" to her today through email and it was so nice. I love our chats with her. I always seem to miss telling her good-bye each week each seems though. Usually I am trying to email her from work so today was nice not to have to worry about that. I miss her tons. This week I have been very emotional. I think part of it is cause I miss her, but part of it is realizing my kids are growing up. I still wish they were small. It is hard ot see them grow up but yet exciting at the same time. I will have another missionary in just over a year. Hopefully the first one will be home before he goes.
These past few weeks have been really nice. I am not sure why, but life seems to have settled down. I am still trying to figure in a workout schedule though as now I go to work at 7 so can't run in the morning. The weather is nice again so maybe I will start running outside again. I need to do something. I am trying hard not to spread myself to thin but this month is pretty busy. Next week Rob and I will be chaperoning Boyd's state culinary competition. I am excited to go watch him perform but not looking forward to the bus ride. I also spent this last weekend helping prepare food for a wedding - it took about 12 hours. I was so exhausted and ready for a break. Panaca lets you relex that is for sure.
I also surprised Rob a couple of weeks ago with a Vegas getaway for his birthday. I bought tickets to see Bill Cosby and got a hotel room. We had such an enjoyable time with just the two of us. Cosby is always funny and this was no different. Saturday we went to the temple. We saw a friend that I have been way concerned about and found out she is having a very rough time. I needed to see her and she needed to talk. We were at teh temple that day for a reason and at the right time. I always love to go to the temple and this was no different. We spent time shopping and relaxing and just enjoying being together. i am trying to figure out something good for our 25th anniversary in August too. We need to do something.....and I want it to be something different.
Anyway, I am happy. I am so blessed and I thank my Heavenly Father for that every day. I pray that he will continue to keep us all safe. I am so looking forward to the day Cortnie comes home just so we can all be together again. Live is really good - from day to day.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Wishes and Dreams
As Cortnie would say (quoting her famous Disney quotes), "when you wish upon a star.....". Sometimes I wish that I could wish upon a star and all my dreams would come true. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life. I have a great husband whom is my best friend, and four beautiful children. We are all healthy and we have good jobs. However, sometimes it is hard not to wish for something more....like maybe a day off during the week instead of just weekends, or maybe less computers in my house so there was more family time, or maybe more activities for my children to participate in so I can go and embarrass them more. I so enjoy being a mother and taking care of my family. It is not always easy, but it is worth it. I will gladly do it day after day (sometimes with complaints) and year after year. My most important wish and dream - to be with my family eternally.
Another month has gone by and I am not sure that I can say it went by quickly. If I look back at it I guess that is has in most regards. In the aspect of Cortnie being gone, it has been gone slowly. I know that in a few months I will look back and say that it all went be too fast. I really can't believe we are halfway through this month. It seems like it was just Christmas but that is seven weeks ago. It has been another month full of work and little play but I will have to say that I don't think I am nearly as busy now as I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. I do have time to myself each night and can actually get into bed at a decent time. I still seem to not get everything done on the weekends that I want to do so some of it carries over into the week. However, I have at least one night a week where I am home by myself now so I am able to get lots done then too and not feel guilty. I do hope to make some changes, with Rob's help, to the electronic use in our home. My kids are forever on their computers or televisions or game systems. They don't see to know how to play with each other or friends and they have no social life. That really bothers me - especially since I have daughters who are older now and have only gone on like three dates. It needs to change...
Can I say anything wonderful has happened this month? Off the top of my head - not really. The boys have been playing church basketball each week and really enjoyed that. I went to the tournament yesterday and it was lots of fun to watch them. They have both really improved over the past year. They were making baskets and free throws and playing as a team. Skyler even made a couple of three point shots. I will have to try to go to more games next year - it was lots of fun and exciting to watch them yesterday. I hate to see it end as it was something they liked to do and looked forward to each week.
The flu bug did hit my home unfortunately. I don't believe it was as bad as some people though so I am grateful for that. Rob and Boyd were both done one weekend with it and Britt has part of it now. It is the worse bug that I have ever seen. It is mostly viral so there is not really anything that doctors can do for it either. When it finally gets bad, after about three weeks, then antibiotics will work. We are still so busy at work but I have finally decided I am not staying anymore and I leave when my shift is over. I need to be home with my family and have time for myself. I started running right after school and that was really nice. I need to do it everyday like I used too. I feel so much better and have a little bit of weight from the holidays still that needs to come off.
Boyd went to a culinary competition in Scotsdale a week ago. He wants to be a chef so this is what he needs. He practiced quite a few times at home and lots at school. They were required to make omelets. He got two perfect tens on his as wells as a nine, eight and seven. His knife skills were not the best though so his overall grade was a little bit lower. He had the time of his life though and can't wait for the next one in March. I am hoping to drive down for part of that one, but dont' know if I will make it. It will depend on gas prices and money. We are tyring to take it easier with Cortnie being gone and not having quite as much money.
I decided for Valentines this year I wanted to do something different. Rob and i went out the night after Valentines since it was a weekend and they are easier to go out than weekdays. So, I cooked a candle light dinner for Rob and the kids. The food was only red heart pancakes, red scrambled eggs, plus dipping chocolate for strawberries, bananas, crackers, marshmallows etc. I turned off all the lights and lit the candles. It was fun when they came out to hear their responses. Skyler wanted to turn the lights on so he could see what he was eating but we would not let him. Boyd and Brittnie both thought it was cool. I thought it was tons of fun. We had also received a letter from Cortnie that day with videos in it of her so after dinner, with the lights still off, we watched those. She looks so good and had that special glow about her. I cried when I first saw her as I wanted to take her and hold her. She talked just like a missionary and told us all about her miracles and the first people she challenged to baptism who said yes. It was so cool and I can't wait for more. I love hearing from her and "chatting" with her each week. Tomorrow is email day so I wont' sleep much tonight. I do still miss her so much but I am okay. If I think too much about it, the tears start to come, but they are not sobs anymore. Just silent tears running down my cheeks.
I am so happy and proud to be the mother and wife of the Beatty bunch! I look forward to every other Friday more than I can say so that I get date night with my husband. We don't do much but I love just being with him and no one else. The other weekends we try to do movie night or something like that with our kids. I love them all so much. I miss my extended family and hope to some day live closer to them. Until then, we plug on. We take one day at a time and try to be happy and make the most of the day. I am so grateful for each one and for my Heavenly Father for giving them to me.
Another month has gone by and I am not sure that I can say it went by quickly. If I look back at it I guess that is has in most regards. In the aspect of Cortnie being gone, it has been gone slowly. I know that in a few months I will look back and say that it all went be too fast. I really can't believe we are halfway through this month. It seems like it was just Christmas but that is seven weeks ago. It has been another month full of work and little play but I will have to say that I don't think I am nearly as busy now as I was ten years ago, or even a year ago. I do have time to myself each night and can actually get into bed at a decent time. I still seem to not get everything done on the weekends that I want to do so some of it carries over into the week. However, I have at least one night a week where I am home by myself now so I am able to get lots done then too and not feel guilty. I do hope to make some changes, with Rob's help, to the electronic use in our home. My kids are forever on their computers or televisions or game systems. They don't see to know how to play with each other or friends and they have no social life. That really bothers me - especially since I have daughters who are older now and have only gone on like three dates. It needs to change...
Can I say anything wonderful has happened this month? Off the top of my head - not really. The boys have been playing church basketball each week and really enjoyed that. I went to the tournament yesterday and it was lots of fun to watch them. They have both really improved over the past year. They were making baskets and free throws and playing as a team. Skyler even made a couple of three point shots. I will have to try to go to more games next year - it was lots of fun and exciting to watch them yesterday. I hate to see it end as it was something they liked to do and looked forward to each week.
The flu bug did hit my home unfortunately. I don't believe it was as bad as some people though so I am grateful for that. Rob and Boyd were both done one weekend with it and Britt has part of it now. It is the worse bug that I have ever seen. It is mostly viral so there is not really anything that doctors can do for it either. When it finally gets bad, after about three weeks, then antibiotics will work. We are still so busy at work but I have finally decided I am not staying anymore and I leave when my shift is over. I need to be home with my family and have time for myself. I started running right after school and that was really nice. I need to do it everyday like I used too. I feel so much better and have a little bit of weight from the holidays still that needs to come off.
Boyd went to a culinary competition in Scotsdale a week ago. He wants to be a chef so this is what he needs. He practiced quite a few times at home and lots at school. They were required to make omelets. He got two perfect tens on his as wells as a nine, eight and seven. His knife skills were not the best though so his overall grade was a little bit lower. He had the time of his life though and can't wait for the next one in March. I am hoping to drive down for part of that one, but dont' know if I will make it. It will depend on gas prices and money. We are tyring to take it easier with Cortnie being gone and not having quite as much money.
I decided for Valentines this year I wanted to do something different. Rob and i went out the night after Valentines since it was a weekend and they are easier to go out than weekdays. So, I cooked a candle light dinner for Rob and the kids. The food was only red heart pancakes, red scrambled eggs, plus dipping chocolate for strawberries, bananas, crackers, marshmallows etc. I turned off all the lights and lit the candles. It was fun when they came out to hear their responses. Skyler wanted to turn the lights on so he could see what he was eating but we would not let him. Boyd and Brittnie both thought it was cool. I thought it was tons of fun. We had also received a letter from Cortnie that day with videos in it of her so after dinner, with the lights still off, we watched those. She looks so good and had that special glow about her. I cried when I first saw her as I wanted to take her and hold her. She talked just like a missionary and told us all about her miracles and the first people she challenged to baptism who said yes. It was so cool and I can't wait for more. I love hearing from her and "chatting" with her each week. Tomorrow is email day so I wont' sleep much tonight. I do still miss her so much but I am okay. If I think too much about it, the tears start to come, but they are not sobs anymore. Just silent tears running down my cheeks.
I am so happy and proud to be the mother and wife of the Beatty bunch! I look forward to every other Friday more than I can say so that I get date night with my husband. We don't do much but I love just being with him and no one else. The other weekends we try to do movie night or something like that with our kids. I love them all so much. I miss my extended family and hope to some day live closer to them. Until then, we plug on. We take one day at a time and try to be happy and make the most of the day. I am so grateful for each one and for my Heavenly Father for giving them to me.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Rough Month
I am sooo ready to go back on vacation!! It is hard to believe that it has only been three weeks since we had one, but my body needs another one. I have never seen the start of a new year like this one is at the pharmacy. They are usually rough and hard to get through, but this year has been more so than ever. I worked almost fifty hours two weeks ago and 43 hours last week. I have been working some twelve hour days. There is so much sickness going around the entire country right now it is crazy. People are panicking cause they did not get their flu shots so know they want one. At one point in time we were the only pharmacy to have them in town. That particular day, we did 48 flu shots on top of all the other scripts. We can't keep antibiotics in stock nor cough medications. And, of course, some of our own have caught the bug so they are calling in sick. Lucky me...I am always the one that gets to stay and work extra since everyone else is already schedule the late shifts. I am tired of their whining too about all the hours they are doing and how tired they are. I even told them as much last week and no one responded - they were quite for a long time. Needless to say, the start of this year has not been the best. I am praying that it will slow down soon but I just don't see the end in sight. The epidemic is going strong and I think it will stay for a while.
We did have such a wonderful vacation though so I hold onto those thoughts. To top it all off, our final day included a phone call from Cortnie while she was at the airport. We were up waiting for the call so we would not miss her. As soon as we answered, all we heard was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just so glad to hear our voice. She had been having such a hard time in the MTC with not being able to talk to us. She has been away from home before, but called home every night. How it hurt to hear her cry. I wanted so bad to jump through the phone and hug her or to tell her just to come home, but I had to be strong. I had to try my hardest to boy her up and make her realize that this was her dream and she needed to live it. We talked about so many things and I wish I would have written them down. She told us of being terrified to go to Omaha - that she was going to freeze to death and that she would not know anyone there. She told us of being nervous to teach and testify what she knew to be true. She told us of missing our hugs and kisses and being so grateful for the daily letters that I sent her everyday. We let each of the kids talk to her too, and as each one got on the phone, she would cry again. It was the most touching when Britt got on the phone - and neither of them could talk through the tears. They are best friends and it is so hard for them to be apart. We had an hour with her which seemed to go by in ten minutes. We told her how proud we were of her and not to be afraid. All too soon, it was time for her to go. She began to sob and said she could not hang up the phone. I listened to her crying and tried so hard to comfort her. Then Rob said he would do it, and he pushed the disconnect button. She was gone again and then my tears came. I cried so hard once again. I did not know how I was going to do this for another seventeen months. Even now, the tears come easily so I try really hard not to think about it. I tell her good-night every night and blow her a kiss to her picture on the wall. I miss her so much.
Cortnie is now in Omaha and last week, seemed to make a breakthrough. Her emails were so happy and uplifting and full of miracles. She promised to write us more miracles since an hour does not give her much time to write. We try to be on the computer at the same time she is writing so that we can email her right back. It kind of is like talking to her so that helps. I know it really lifts her up too. However, when she says good-bye every week, I start to cry again. I am sure it will be that way until she comes home. It is just so hard and the ache in my heart always seems to be there. I know she is where she is suppose to be and I am proud of her for it. I just pray that she will be okay and her loneliness will ease up too. I did get a call from Sister Weston this week (missionary president wife) - it scared the dickens out of me. My first thought was that something was wrong. She assured me that it was not and that Cortnie was okay. She did say that Cortnie wanted to see a counselor and needed our permission to do so. She said she has some issues from back in junior high that have hit the surface and wants to talk to someone about them. I really hope it helps and that she will be okay. Deep down inside I feel like the cause of some of those issues and wonder what I could have done different. I have tried to be a good mother, but many times I put work or other issues in front of my children. I pray that this was not the case here - that I did everything I could to help out. How I wish I could talk to her on the phone!!
The rest of the family are doing okay. We have done pretty good with avoiding the illness, but Boyd did miss a couple of days this last week. He spoke in church today and gave a wonderful talk. It is hard to believe in just over a year he will go on a mission too. We all stay busy with work and school and church. I graduated from nursery this year and moved up with my babies to sunbeams. The best part is, Rob is my helper. I love being in class with him. I am not sure how he feels about it yet, but I love having him there. He is so good with kids and it gives me time to spend with him. I am very hopeful that this week will be better. Rob will be gone for half of it to an airshow, so it will be just the kids and I. I am always so ready for him to come home. I miss him when he is gone. I want to spend more time with my family and try harder to make time for them. That is my number goal this year....we are so blessed and I pray that we will continue to be.
We did have such a wonderful vacation though so I hold onto those thoughts. To top it all off, our final day included a phone call from Cortnie while she was at the airport. We were up waiting for the call so we would not miss her. As soon as we answered, all we heard was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just so glad to hear our voice. She had been having such a hard time in the MTC with not being able to talk to us. She has been away from home before, but called home every night. How it hurt to hear her cry. I wanted so bad to jump through the phone and hug her or to tell her just to come home, but I had to be strong. I had to try my hardest to boy her up and make her realize that this was her dream and she needed to live it. We talked about so many things and I wish I would have written them down. She told us of being terrified to go to Omaha - that she was going to freeze to death and that she would not know anyone there. She told us of being nervous to teach and testify what she knew to be true. She told us of missing our hugs and kisses and being so grateful for the daily letters that I sent her everyday. We let each of the kids talk to her too, and as each one got on the phone, she would cry again. It was the most touching when Britt got on the phone - and neither of them could talk through the tears. They are best friends and it is so hard for them to be apart. We had an hour with her which seemed to go by in ten minutes. We told her how proud we were of her and not to be afraid. All too soon, it was time for her to go. She began to sob and said she could not hang up the phone. I listened to her crying and tried so hard to comfort her. Then Rob said he would do it, and he pushed the disconnect button. She was gone again and then my tears came. I cried so hard once again. I did not know how I was going to do this for another seventeen months. Even now, the tears come easily so I try really hard not to think about it. I tell her good-night every night and blow her a kiss to her picture on the wall. I miss her so much.
Cortnie is now in Omaha and last week, seemed to make a breakthrough. Her emails were so happy and uplifting and full of miracles. She promised to write us more miracles since an hour does not give her much time to write. We try to be on the computer at the same time she is writing so that we can email her right back. It kind of is like talking to her so that helps. I know it really lifts her up too. However, when she says good-bye every week, I start to cry again. I am sure it will be that way until she comes home. It is just so hard and the ache in my heart always seems to be there. I know she is where she is suppose to be and I am proud of her for it. I just pray that she will be okay and her loneliness will ease up too. I did get a call from Sister Weston this week (missionary president wife) - it scared the dickens out of me. My first thought was that something was wrong. She assured me that it was not and that Cortnie was okay. She did say that Cortnie wanted to see a counselor and needed our permission to do so. She said she has some issues from back in junior high that have hit the surface and wants to talk to someone about them. I really hope it helps and that she will be okay. Deep down inside I feel like the cause of some of those issues and wonder what I could have done different. I have tried to be a good mother, but many times I put work or other issues in front of my children. I pray that this was not the case here - that I did everything I could to help out. How I wish I could talk to her on the phone!!The rest of the family are doing okay. We have done pretty good with avoiding the illness, but Boyd did miss a couple of days this last week. He spoke in church today and gave a wonderful talk. It is hard to believe in just over a year he will go on a mission too. We all stay busy with work and school and church. I graduated from nursery this year and moved up with my babies to sunbeams. The best part is, Rob is my helper. I love being in class with him. I am not sure how he feels about it yet, but I love having him there. He is so good with kids and it gives me time to spend with him. I am very hopeful that this week will be better. Rob will be gone for half of it to an airshow, so it will be just the kids and I. I am always so ready for him to come home. I miss him when he is gone. I want to spend more time with my family and try harder to make time for them. That is my number goal this year....we are so blessed and I pray that we will continue to be.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Christmas Vacation
I feel so fortunate right now to have the job that I do that allows me to take time off of work during the holidays to spend time with my family. We are in Utah again and I am so grateful. I will admit, part of me wanted to just stay home this year and do nothing for the entire week that I have off. I was so not looking forward to any type of drive or packing or cleaning or taking care of other people. But now that we here, I am glad we came. In fact, the time is all too soon coming for us to go home. Then it is back to the grind stone and back to regular life. Oh well, at least I can enjoy this time.
Christmas day turned out to be rather fun. I still can't believe that my children who are all older, wake up so early that morning. In fact, they set their alarms to do so and even my adult daughter loves to run out to the living room to see what Santa brought. We heard the kids up at 6:30 but had told them they are not allowed to wake us up until 7:00. This year they were not quiet though so we were awake at 6:30. Promptly at 7:00 they came running in and turned on the lights. Quickly we had them at least turn the light off. Rob had set a boopy trap along the side of his bed and Skyler soon found it. He fell to the floor and we all laughed. They kept trying to put on our slippers but we would kick them off. It is more fun to try to keep from getting out of bed and we all laugh for about a half hour. Finally though, we give up.
I think my favorite time of the day is morning prayer. We always kneel around my bed as a family for Rob to say prayer. Hopefully it helps the kids think for a moment about the true meaning of Christmas. I sniffled just a little bit when he mentioned Cortnie but I had a good cry the night before so all was okay. I hated to leave her stocking on the wall all by itself - it looked so lonely and it made my heart ache. I have to say that I spent a lot of time thinking about her all day but I tried so hard to not let it affect my time with the rest of my family. We were hoping that she could email us sometime during the day if just for a moment. I checked my computer every 15 minutes to see if there was anything there. If she was online at that time, I could quickly email her back and "talk" with her for a moment. We have figured out how to time her emails that way the last couple of weeks and it is so nice. I think it has helped the both of us cause we feel like we are talking to each other. Anyway, she finally emailed about 2:00 but it did not come right through - in fact, she only had one minute left when we got it. I did not even have enough time to email her back and say that I loved her and Merry Christmas. Instead, all she got was "how much time do you have." She emailed right back to say her time was done and then she was gone. I cried so hard. I did not mean too but I hurt so bad. I felt like my Christmas had been ruined. My kids were so wonderful, they let me cry and kept hugging me. Next year, I get the phone call and nothing will stop that!!
Anyway, back to Christmas. After prayer, we ran to the living room. It is fun to watch the kids' faces to see what they think about their gifts. This year Santa left Internet tablets for the boys and luggage for Brittnie. Of course, there were other things but they were the big ones. After opening all the presents, Skyler had an electric scooter, basketball shoes, games, clothes and more. Boyd got basketball shoes, an RC car, games, nutcracker and more. Brittnie is all girl and got lots of clothes and shoes. It is so much harder to buy for them now that they are older plus their stuff cost so much more. We did send a small box to Cortnie even though we had already had Christmas with her, but I wanted her to open something. She got a family picture and digital frame that was loaded with 60 pictures of family and friends. She also got letters from home from everybody.
The rest of Christmas day was suppose to be spent as a family - hence the reason I packed on Christmas Eve. It did not turn out that way though. Everyone kind of did their own thing. They played their new games on the x-box and I just kind of wandered around. I even payed bills that day. I was really disappointed and kind of hurt. I was wanting so much more....
We left to come to Utah the next day. It was snowing and I hate to drive in the snow. I told Rob if it got to bad we were stopping in Cedar for the night. There were only a couple of spots that were really scary but we made it just fine. We have had fun hanging out with our family and doing things with them. We spend a day up at LeAnn's house too with Rob's parents. It was a good time and as always, they seem to help us out with something that we need.
Yesterday was a special day. My niece was baptized. It is Coby's daughter, Katelyn. Remember that Coby has not always been active in the church and is only a priest in the Aaronic Priesthood. Katelyn wanted him to baptize her. He has been a lot more active in the church lately thanks to a wonderful bishop and friend that he has. It was so special to see him all dressed in white next to his daughter. You could tell he was a little bit nervous, but he did great. I know it meant a lot to Katelyn and it meant a lot to the rest of us too. Now to get them to the temple.
We only have one full day left here in Utah. Lucky me gets to be back to work on Wednesday. I can hardly wait for Tuesday though. Cortnie will be finished at the MTC that day and will fly out to Omaha that morning. She gets to CALL from the airport and we can talk to her until it is time for her to board her flight. It could be up to an hour. I am soooo excited! I am getting used to her being gone (but still dont' like it), but I really miss her voice. She is nervous about going but she will do just fine. She will have a wonderful companion to train her and she will touch the lives of so many people there. If only she can get used to the cold weather. She should be okay but I have never been there so don't know how cold it really is. I am so excited for her. One month has already gone by and we have survived. I miss her tons but still know this is the right thing for her. I am already thinking of things to do when she comes home and would love to take a Trip here to bring her back when the time is come.
Holidays...always wonderful. So glad they were not as stressful this year. I sure do not want to go back to work and the busy life, but we are very blessed. At least we have jobs and can provide for our family. I just pray that 2013 will be a grand or even better than 2012.
Christmas day turned out to be rather fun. I still can't believe that my children who are all older, wake up so early that morning. In fact, they set their alarms to do so and even my adult daughter loves to run out to the living room to see what Santa brought. We heard the kids up at 6:30 but had told them they are not allowed to wake us up until 7:00. This year they were not quiet though so we were awake at 6:30. Promptly at 7:00 they came running in and turned on the lights. Quickly we had them at least turn the light off. Rob had set a boopy trap along the side of his bed and Skyler soon found it. He fell to the floor and we all laughed. They kept trying to put on our slippers but we would kick them off. It is more fun to try to keep from getting out of bed and we all laugh for about a half hour. Finally though, we give up.
I think my favorite time of the day is morning prayer. We always kneel around my bed as a family for Rob to say prayer. Hopefully it helps the kids think for a moment about the true meaning of Christmas. I sniffled just a little bit when he mentioned Cortnie but I had a good cry the night before so all was okay. I hated to leave her stocking on the wall all by itself - it looked so lonely and it made my heart ache. I have to say that I spent a lot of time thinking about her all day but I tried so hard to not let it affect my time with the rest of my family. We were hoping that she could email us sometime during the day if just for a moment. I checked my computer every 15 minutes to see if there was anything there. If she was online at that time, I could quickly email her back and "talk" with her for a moment. We have figured out how to time her emails that way the last couple of weeks and it is so nice. I think it has helped the both of us cause we feel like we are talking to each other. Anyway, she finally emailed about 2:00 but it did not come right through - in fact, she only had one minute left when we got it. I did not even have enough time to email her back and say that I loved her and Merry Christmas. Instead, all she got was "how much time do you have." She emailed right back to say her time was done and then she was gone. I cried so hard. I did not mean too but I hurt so bad. I felt like my Christmas had been ruined. My kids were so wonderful, they let me cry and kept hugging me. Next year, I get the phone call and nothing will stop that!!
Anyway, back to Christmas. After prayer, we ran to the living room. It is fun to watch the kids' faces to see what they think about their gifts. This year Santa left Internet tablets for the boys and luggage for Brittnie. Of course, there were other things but they were the big ones. After opening all the presents, Skyler had an electric scooter, basketball shoes, games, clothes and more. Boyd got basketball shoes, an RC car, games, nutcracker and more. Brittnie is all girl and got lots of clothes and shoes. It is so much harder to buy for them now that they are older plus their stuff cost so much more. We did send a small box to Cortnie even though we had already had Christmas with her, but I wanted her to open something. She got a family picture and digital frame that was loaded with 60 pictures of family and friends. She also got letters from home from everybody.
The rest of Christmas day was suppose to be spent as a family - hence the reason I packed on Christmas Eve. It did not turn out that way though. Everyone kind of did their own thing. They played their new games on the x-box and I just kind of wandered around. I even payed bills that day. I was really disappointed and kind of hurt. I was wanting so much more....
We left to come to Utah the next day. It was snowing and I hate to drive in the snow. I told Rob if it got to bad we were stopping in Cedar for the night. There were only a couple of spots that were really scary but we made it just fine. We have had fun hanging out with our family and doing things with them. We spend a day up at LeAnn's house too with Rob's parents. It was a good time and as always, they seem to help us out with something that we need.
Yesterday was a special day. My niece was baptized. It is Coby's daughter, Katelyn. Remember that Coby has not always been active in the church and is only a priest in the Aaronic Priesthood. Katelyn wanted him to baptize her. He has been a lot more active in the church lately thanks to a wonderful bishop and friend that he has. It was so special to see him all dressed in white next to his daughter. You could tell he was a little bit nervous, but he did great. I know it meant a lot to Katelyn and it meant a lot to the rest of us too. Now to get them to the temple.
We only have one full day left here in Utah. Lucky me gets to be back to work on Wednesday. I can hardly wait for Tuesday though. Cortnie will be finished at the MTC that day and will fly out to Omaha that morning. She gets to CALL from the airport and we can talk to her until it is time for her to board her flight. It could be up to an hour. I am soooo excited! I am getting used to her being gone (but still dont' like it), but I really miss her voice. She is nervous about going but she will do just fine. She will have a wonderful companion to train her and she will touch the lives of so many people there. If only she can get used to the cold weather. She should be okay but I have never been there so don't know how cold it really is. I am so excited for her. One month has already gone by and we have survived. I miss her tons but still know this is the right thing for her. I am already thinking of things to do when she comes home and would love to take a Trip here to bring her back when the time is come.
Holidays...always wonderful. So glad they were not as stressful this year. I sure do not want to go back to work and the busy life, but we are very blessed. At least we have jobs and can provide for our family. I just pray that 2013 will be a grand or even better than 2012.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas Eve....
The house is so quiet and the air is nice and crisp. I am sitting here wishing so bad that my boys would go to sleep - that they would let us sleep in in the morning and not hurry to have the day over. I know that will not happen. How many more late Christmas Eves will I have?? Not many I am sure so I will cherish everyone.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family. I can not even begin to say how blessed I am with four beautiful children who choose the right and try to please us. I wish they would give up some of their bad habits - like hours on end on computers and so forth, but I am the cause of that. We buy them way to many and allow it to happen. I need to find a way to spend more time with my family - not just be in the same home as them. I want to do things with them and let them know that I care. I dont' want to lose out on precious time with them like I feel I have with Cortnie. I even packed today for our trip so that I could have time to spend with them tomorrow. Hopefully my plan will work.
My heart does have an ache in it tonight too though for Cortnie. I know she is heading to bed right now and I wonder what she is feeling. She tells me that she does not think the heartache will ever go away. She thinks she will cry every night until she comes home. I pray that is not the case. The ache will always be there, but hopefully the tears will not. I still struggle with mine at times and tonight is one of those times. How I wish she could be here with us. She would be the one setting her alarm to wake up the boys in the morning. She loves Christmas!! I hope that she will gain wonderful memories of Christmas in the MTC. It will not be the same, but I pray that it will be the most spiritual one she has ever had. I just don't want her to be alone and sad. I want her to be happy and know that she is loved.
My poor husband in such an angel. He lets me cry - even though he laughs when I do. He tolerates me talking about her all the time and allows me to express my worries. He has taken such a back street to all of this but I am ready for him to walk hand in hand with me again. I need his love and his hugs and his support. I can't do this alone.
For now, I will say Merry Christmas. I pray that the new year will be wonderful and all will be well for all of us. It saddens me that my children are growing up (Skyler is a teenager now). How I wish they could be little again. Cherish the moments that you have.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family. I can not even begin to say how blessed I am with four beautiful children who choose the right and try to please us. I wish they would give up some of their bad habits - like hours on end on computers and so forth, but I am the cause of that. We buy them way to many and allow it to happen. I need to find a way to spend more time with my family - not just be in the same home as them. I want to do things with them and let them know that I care. I dont' want to lose out on precious time with them like I feel I have with Cortnie. I even packed today for our trip so that I could have time to spend with them tomorrow. Hopefully my plan will work.
My heart does have an ache in it tonight too though for Cortnie. I know she is heading to bed right now and I wonder what she is feeling. She tells me that she does not think the heartache will ever go away. She thinks she will cry every night until she comes home. I pray that is not the case. The ache will always be there, but hopefully the tears will not. I still struggle with mine at times and tonight is one of those times. How I wish she could be here with us. She would be the one setting her alarm to wake up the boys in the morning. She loves Christmas!! I hope that she will gain wonderful memories of Christmas in the MTC. It will not be the same, but I pray that it will be the most spiritual one she has ever had. I just don't want her to be alone and sad. I want her to be happy and know that she is loved.
My poor husband in such an angel. He lets me cry - even though he laughs when I do. He tolerates me talking about her all the time and allows me to express my worries. He has taken such a back street to all of this but I am ready for him to walk hand in hand with me again. I need his love and his hugs and his support. I can't do this alone.
For now, I will say Merry Christmas. I pray that the new year will be wonderful and all will be well for all of us. It saddens me that my children are growing up (Skyler is a teenager now). How I wish they could be little again. Cherish the moments that you have.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
My thoughts...
Well, maybe I can make it through this tonight without shedding tears, but I really doubt it. It has been a very hard past few days (actually a few weeks). I can't believe that Cortnie is actually gone and away from us for 18 months. I keep waiting for her to come walking back in the door, send me a text, or call me. How I miss her voice so terribly bad. I miss her good night kisses and her sweet hugs. And I dearly miss her smile. It is so hard to walk through the house and see all of her stuff or her beautiful pictures on the wall without getting an ache in my heart. I know it is all part of the sacrifice we are required to make, but part of me wonders why it has to be that way. How could a phone call home once a week hurt....or a text message at night just to say that she is okay. I know I am not alone though. I have many friends whom are concerned about me and whom have done the same thing. How I appreciate their hugs.
The final two weeks before Cortnie left were very busy. We spent every night baking and cooking for her open house. I will say that I so regret that now. I regret the fact that her one wish was to go to the temple again before she left and I did not make time for that. I was "too busy". I should have taken a day off of work or had one less cookie on the plate. I feel so bad about that - time I will never get back with her. And now she is gone and someone else will be the one at the temple with her. I am beating myself up for that one.
The open house was a huge success though. She was afraid that no one would come but we did have lots of friends here. The weather was perfect and the food was wonderful. There were many hugs given that night and lots of support for all of us. She gave more hugs at church on Sunday as she said good-bye to dear friends. After church on Sunday, it was official that she was a missionary. President Willmore set her apart as a missionary with a beautiful blessing. She was promised that she would be a powerful missionary and would be in good hands. A comfort to both her and I was the promise of health. She has had so many migraines lates and I have been worried about them. I pray that the Lord will keep his promise and take them away as she serves him. I had lots of tissues with me that day but we did okay....until we got home.
At home, it was kind of quiet. Cortnie walked around not really knowing what to do. We had packed everything the day before so just had last minute things to throw in the suitcase. We were waiting for dinner to cook before we took off for the airport. I wandered back to her room and found her laying on her bed...all nicely made and room clean. She was laying there crying and saying good-bye to her stuff. I sat on the bed and cried with her. I told her it would all be okay and not to be worried. I will never forget that feeling walking in there and seeing her like that. I just wanted to pull her in my arms and tell her not to go. All to soon, dinner was over and it was time to say good-bye to the other kids. Rob had Cortnie say a prayer before she left whish was so beautiful. She prayed for each member of her family individually....for Brittnie to find someone to love her as she does, for her dad to continue to lead her family and for her mom to not be sad, but comforted. Then the hugs began.....poor Skyler would not let go. I finally had to pull him away so she could hug the others. Everyone was sobbing by the time we left and continued to do so as we pulled away. It was so hard to see all of my children hurting. How could I do this/???
We made it to the airport and to Utah just fine inspite of a very rocky plane ride. We had two more days to spend with her. We spent those days visiting relatives and last minute shopping. We found the most beautiful coat that made her look so much like a missionary. She was so excited but so worried about saying good-bye. She tried so hard to live the mission rules but it was hard with grandpa watching the TV so we played lots of games. She had a final lunch with her friends and roommates from school (with mom as her companion) and that was also very touching. She is loved by so many people. Then it was the night before....Cortnie asked her father for a Father's blessing before bed. I have never felf the spirit so strong. It was so full of promises....the angels would protect her, she would find peace, she would have health, she would be happy....how grateful I am for the priesthood. As it came time for bed, she did not want to be alone. I agreed to sleep with her. We layed in bed for just a few minutes before she started to cry. I gently stroked her hair and calmly talked to her. I told her she would be okay.....that she needed to live her dream. I told her to write to us when she could and to know that I would be praying for her 24 hours a day. She then turned and curled up in my arms and sobbed. She was so fragile and seemed like just a little child. She did not want to be all grown up at that moment. I held her ever so tight while the tears slid down my own face. I did not want that night to come to an end. She finally fell asleep in my arms.
The next morning she was ever so quiet. She looked like an angel as she got all ready and put on her missionary clothes. She said it is a good thing she likes to wear dresses....and she will be wearing them all the time now. We had another family prayer before going over to the care center to say good-bye to my mom. We took some beautiful pictures of her while there ...pictures that will be my last memories of her for the next year and a half. As we drove to the MTC, I could hear her silently crying in the front seat. I reached up and gave her a quick hug and told her it was okay. We drove in, were directed to our parking spot along the curb, and asked to get out her baggage. We then had to wait for an elder to come along as her escort. When he got there, the moment was at hand. I took her in my arms and we both cried for a few moments. I then gently wiped her tears away and explained that we needed no more tears. I proudly told her that I loved her and that she needed to go live her dream. After kissing her father good-bye, she turned and walked away. We watched as far as we could see her go then drove off. I cried....for a long time. I felt at peace but so alone. I had a huge ache in my heart and wanted so badly to go back for her. It was the longest ride home ever and the tears continued to come at the strangest times.
Since then, I have my moments. I check everyday for that first email but nothing yet. I just want to know that she is okay. That she is happy and not as sad as I am. I want to know that she has friends and that they are taking care of her. I want to hear her voice and to hug her one more time. It was very hard to put her stuff away yesterday so that it would not get ruined. I found old baby blankets and baby dolls....so may reminders of her. I shed a lot of tears but still know that it is right. I will miss her terribly, but it is okay. I have four other people to take care of each day. She has no family right now. I pray for her all day long and love her so much. How I pray that she will be safe until she is back in my arms. I love you Cortnie....
The final two weeks before Cortnie left were very busy. We spent every night baking and cooking for her open house. I will say that I so regret that now. I regret the fact that her one wish was to go to the temple again before she left and I did not make time for that. I was "too busy". I should have taken a day off of work or had one less cookie on the plate. I feel so bad about that - time I will never get back with her. And now she is gone and someone else will be the one at the temple with her. I am beating myself up for that one.
The open house was a huge success though. She was afraid that no one would come but we did have lots of friends here. The weather was perfect and the food was wonderful. There were many hugs given that night and lots of support for all of us. She gave more hugs at church on Sunday as she said good-bye to dear friends. After church on Sunday, it was official that she was a missionary. President Willmore set her apart as a missionary with a beautiful blessing. She was promised that she would be a powerful missionary and would be in good hands. A comfort to both her and I was the promise of health. She has had so many migraines lates and I have been worried about them. I pray that the Lord will keep his promise and take them away as she serves him. I had lots of tissues with me that day but we did okay....until we got home.
At home, it was kind of quiet. Cortnie walked around not really knowing what to do. We had packed everything the day before so just had last minute things to throw in the suitcase. We were waiting for dinner to cook before we took off for the airport. I wandered back to her room and found her laying on her bed...all nicely made and room clean. She was laying there crying and saying good-bye to her stuff. I sat on the bed and cried with her. I told her it would all be okay and not to be worried. I will never forget that feeling walking in there and seeing her like that. I just wanted to pull her in my arms and tell her not to go. All to soon, dinner was over and it was time to say good-bye to the other kids. Rob had Cortnie say a prayer before she left whish was so beautiful. She prayed for each member of her family individually....for Brittnie to find someone to love her as she does, for her dad to continue to lead her family and for her mom to not be sad, but comforted. Then the hugs began.....poor Skyler would not let go. I finally had to pull him away so she could hug the others. Everyone was sobbing by the time we left and continued to do so as we pulled away. It was so hard to see all of my children hurting. How could I do this/???
We made it to the airport and to Utah just fine inspite of a very rocky plane ride. We had two more days to spend with her. We spent those days visiting relatives and last minute shopping. We found the most beautiful coat that made her look so much like a missionary. She was so excited but so worried about saying good-bye. She tried so hard to live the mission rules but it was hard with grandpa watching the TV so we played lots of games. She had a final lunch with her friends and roommates from school (with mom as her companion) and that was also very touching. She is loved by so many people. Then it was the night before....Cortnie asked her father for a Father's blessing before bed. I have never felf the spirit so strong. It was so full of promises....the angels would protect her, she would find peace, she would have health, she would be happy....how grateful I am for the priesthood. As it came time for bed, she did not want to be alone. I agreed to sleep with her. We layed in bed for just a few minutes before she started to cry. I gently stroked her hair and calmly talked to her. I told her she would be okay.....that she needed to live her dream. I told her to write to us when she could and to know that I would be praying for her 24 hours a day. She then turned and curled up in my arms and sobbed. She was so fragile and seemed like just a little child. She did not want to be all grown up at that moment. I held her ever so tight while the tears slid down my own face. I did not want that night to come to an end. She finally fell asleep in my arms.
The next morning she was ever so quiet. She looked like an angel as she got all ready and put on her missionary clothes. She said it is a good thing she likes to wear dresses....and she will be wearing them all the time now. We had another family prayer before going over to the care center to say good-bye to my mom. We took some beautiful pictures of her while there ...pictures that will be my last memories of her for the next year and a half. As we drove to the MTC, I could hear her silently crying in the front seat. I reached up and gave her a quick hug and told her it was okay. We drove in, were directed to our parking spot along the curb, and asked to get out her baggage. We then had to wait for an elder to come along as her escort. When he got there, the moment was at hand. I took her in my arms and we both cried for a few moments. I then gently wiped her tears away and explained that we needed no more tears. I proudly told her that I loved her and that she needed to go live her dream. After kissing her father good-bye, she turned and walked away. We watched as far as we could see her go then drove off. I cried....for a long time. I felt at peace but so alone. I had a huge ache in my heart and wanted so badly to go back for her. It was the longest ride home ever and the tears continued to come at the strangest times.
Since then, I have my moments. I check everyday for that first email but nothing yet. I just want to know that she is okay. That she is happy and not as sad as I am. I want to know that she has friends and that they are taking care of her. I want to hear her voice and to hug her one more time. It was very hard to put her stuff away yesterday so that it would not get ruined. I found old baby blankets and baby dolls....so may reminders of her. I shed a lot of tears but still know that it is right. I will miss her terribly, but it is okay. I have four other people to take care of each day. She has no family right now. I pray for her all day long and love her so much. How I pray that she will be safe until she is back in my arms. I love you Cortnie....
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Mission Day
I am so way worn out but have to take just a minute to record my feelings. I promise to write tons more in the next few days about all of our experiences the last few days as a family, but tonight I am too tired.
Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I gave my baby girl to our Heavenly Father for the next 18 months. My heart is so full right now and it aches so bad. How I wish I could rush back to her and tell her the many things that I did not. How I wish she could be a little girl again and dance and play with her. Unfortunately, I am not able to do any of those things right now. I held her in my arms for hours last night as she gently cried and fell asleep. I will treasure that moment forever. She looked so beautiful and radiant as she stood at the MTC. She struggled to say good-bye but proudly held her head up as she walked away from us. We both cried as we hugged for the last time. I took her precious face in my hands and told her that I loved her. I wiped her tears away and told her "no more tears". She needed to be excited and go fulfill her dream. Then she quietly walked away and never looked back.
The drive home was so long. Tears would suddenly come out of nowhere as I would remember things or wish that I had done more. I so wish I had tomorrow off to sit here and look at pictures and books and cherish my daughter. I am so PROUD of her. I pray the time will speed by and I will be writing about having her back in my arms again. I love you Cortnie....
Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I gave my baby girl to our Heavenly Father for the next 18 months. My heart is so full right now and it aches so bad. How I wish I could rush back to her and tell her the many things that I did not. How I wish she could be a little girl again and dance and play with her. Unfortunately, I am not able to do any of those things right now. I held her in my arms for hours last night as she gently cried and fell asleep. I will treasure that moment forever. She looked so beautiful and radiant as she stood at the MTC. She struggled to say good-bye but proudly held her head up as she walked away from us. We both cried as we hugged for the last time. I took her precious face in my hands and told her that I loved her. I wiped her tears away and told her "no more tears". She needed to be excited and go fulfill her dream. Then she quietly walked away and never looked back.
The drive home was so long. Tears would suddenly come out of nowhere as I would remember things or wish that I had done more. I so wish I had tomorrow off to sit here and look at pictures and books and cherish my daughter. I am so PROUD of her. I pray the time will speed by and I will be writing about having her back in my arms again. I love you Cortnie....
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