Christmas Eve....

The house is so quiet and the air is nice and crisp.  I am sitting here wishing so bad that my boys would go to sleep - that they would let us sleep in in the morning and not hurry to have the day over.  I know that will not happen.  How many more late Christmas Eves will I have??  Not many I am sure so I will cherish everyone.

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family.  I can not even begin to say how blessed I am with four beautiful children who choose the right and try to please us.  I wish they would give up some of their bad habits - like hours on end on computers and so forth, but I am the cause of that.  We buy them way to many and allow it to happen.  I need to find a way to spend more time with my family - not just be in the same home as them.  I want to do things with them and let them know that I care.  I dont' want to lose out on precious time with them like I feel I have with Cortnie.  I even packed today for our trip so that I could have time to spend with them tomorrow.  Hopefully my plan will work.

My heart does have an ache in it tonight too though for Cortnie.  I know she is heading to bed right now and I wonder what she is feeling.  She tells me that she does not think the heartache will ever go away.  She thinks she will cry every night until she comes home.  I pray that is not the case.  The ache will always be there, but hopefully the tears will not.  I still struggle with mine at times and tonight is one of those times.  How I wish she could be here with us.  She would be the one setting her alarm to wake up the boys in the morning.  She loves Christmas!!  I hope that she will gain wonderful memories of Christmas in the MTC.  It   will not be the same, but I pray that it will be the most spiritual one she has ever had.  I just don't want her to be alone and sad.  I want her to be happy and know that she is loved.

My poor husband in such an angel.  He lets me cry - even though he laughs when I do.  He tolerates me talking about her all the time and allows me to express my worries.  He has taken such a back street to all of this but I am ready for him to walk hand in hand with me again.  I need his love and his hugs and his support.  I can't do this alone. 

For now, I will say Merry Christmas.  I pray that the new year will be wonderful and all will be well for all of us.  It saddens me that my children are growing up (Skyler is a teenager now).  How I wish they could be little again.  Cherish the moments that you have.