There are so many days I think to myself that I need write down my thoughts, worries, joys, and just life and then before I know it, the day is over and I am falling into bed exhausted. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life! I love my family, job, my callings, my worries and anxieties and my jobs. I just feel like the days go by so quickly. How can it be the holidays again already? How is it that normally I would be putting up my Christmas tree this week? It is just unreal how quickly it goes by that sometimes it is hard to stop to smell the roses let alone to put them into words.
How I love the holidays! I love decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping presents, the music, writing the sacrament meeting program (this I believe will be year 5). I just love how everyone seems more kind, more peaceful, more loving. I love how we think about Christ more and that I tend to think of others more. I wish it could be Christmas all year round - but then the magic of it would go away. I keep thinking about what Christmas will be like this year. I want to spend my money on memories instead of things, but yet I love the joy or watching my family open gifts. It will also be our first Christmas with a grandchild and we are the lucky grandparents who get to do that this year. Cortnie, Jonathan and Myles will be here for a whole week including Christmas day! I am beyond excited for that but at the same time, he will still be pretty young so maybe next year would be even more fun. But nonetheless, I get to have them in my home! Somehow, I want to make Christmas magically this year and have everyone forget about their worries and problems. If I can do that, it will be amazing.
These past couple of months have been a whirlwind. We took the family to Orlando in September for Myles' baby blessing. We were able to rent a condo that was large enough the Cort and Jonathan came to stay with us as well. We had the joy of spending a week there. We went to theme parks, played games, shopped, and just spent time together. It was my other children's first time meeting their nephew and it was priceless to watch them with him. They held him, played with him, fed him and made him laugh. They did dry the line at diaper changes. Myles took to each one of them and it was wonderful. He knows Rob and I too. We video call him everyday and he gets so excited to see our faces. We get to go again in a week and I am excited.
The blessing was amazing. There were almost 50 people at church which only 6 were from our family. None of them were LDS so it was fun to share the spirit with them. Rob gave Myles a beautiful blessing which I wish we could have recorded. Hopefully he will be the light of the gospel to keep his mother close and maybe influence his father. Jonathan was very touched and shed a few tears. Other family and friends told us the spirit was very strong and they really enjoyed the meeting. Maybe a seed was planted.
Not long after coming back from Orlando, Rob, Brittnie and I took a lightning fast trip to Washington D.C. Brittnie has gotten into Banana Ball and we were lucky enough to score prime seats at the championship game. We flew out on Friday morning and went to the wharf once we were settled into our hotel. Saturday we got up and walked the National Mall which is so amazing. The people who made our country what it is today are honored there and we were able to visit the monuments. We also spend about an hour at the Air and Space Museum which was heaven for Rob. He could have spend all day there. After lunch we headed to the the baseball game. We were able to be there for the pregame festivities. I loved watching Brittnie just smile from ear to ear. She was able to meet players and basically was like a child in a candy store. Nothing beats spending time with my kids creating memories. The game was outstanding. They threw in mini concerts with some of our favorite singers which was total surprise. It was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. We were there till midnight. went back to the hotel for about three hours of sleep and then boarded a plane home. I was so exhausted but would do it again in a heartbeat. I cherish these things so much.
Life was going pretty good with work and Rob's markets, then he suddenly got really, really sick. I felt like it was Covid all over again. I finally got him to the doctor who confirmed he had influenze and it put him out for over a week. We were both lucky enough to work from home (I did not want to leave him alone) but it was so rough watching him. He is doing better but still a little bit weak.
Skyler was still not able to find a job so the decision was mutually made for him to move back home. Rob was still not well, so Boyd and I headed to Logan while Brittnie stayed with Rob. Skyler was so well prepared and it was great. We had to pack some of his kitchen and paint his bedroom. The three of us handled it but it was hard. The mental part was the worse for me. He told me as we were going to buy food that he was sorry that he had to move him (through tears). I told him I was sorry he had to move him. I hate the fact that my adult children are living under my rough. I love spending time with them, but it is not the life they want or the one I want for them. As we were finally packed up, Skyler said he would meet me outside as he was going to do a final walkthrough to make sure he had everything. It took about ten minutes and when he came out I could tell he had been crying. He did not want to leave. I cried almost all night that first night wondering if we had made a mistake. I do not want him to be sad or upset in my home. I talked to him the next day about it,, and he said it had to be done and he was going to be okay. I will say how impressed I have been with him this week. He helps with dinners, has worked so hard to get all his stuff put away and for the most part seems happy. However he is home by himself all day so I am not sure what his days are really like. I just hope he can find a job soon and make something of himself.
I blame myself so much for my children's lives. I wonder is Bullhead was not good for them, or the fact that I worked so much so was not home. Why can't they have friends and/or even date? Why can't their dreams come true? So many questions as to why. Nothing hurts more than to see them cry over a conference talk about being single, or to watch them sit in their rooms to avoid seeing families take their children trick or treating. It tears me up but I don't know how to fix it. I just spend lots of time crying (like now) and pleading with my Heavenly Father that he will bless them and give them the desires of their heart.
So for now, I will keep trying to create memories for my family. I will love them and serve them and take care of them. I just pray for the health and strength to do that each day and somehow, see a smile on their faces. Maybe one day....
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