It is amazing to me how a journal can strengthen me up. I am not good at writing very often, but I try to write when I can. However, as I read through the previous post before I start, my heart swells up and the tears come. Honestly, I feel close to my Heavenly Father during that brief moment. It means a lot to me. so, here we are again, tears in my eyes as I try to put my feelings and emotions into words. Hopefully maybe someday they will mean as much to someone else as they do to me.
I am not even sure where to begin. I could start by saying that I am so blessed. I have an awesome husband, kids, son-in-law, grandchild (we will get to that in a minute) as well as siblings on both sides adn my parents are still both here. I spent so many years away from everyone that I cherish the times we are together. However, I will admit that I really thought we would be together more when we moved up here. I expected lunch dates with my sister, family dinners and outings, and just getting together. We do that, but not as often as I pictured in my mind that we would. I am still so grateful though that I can get together with most of them by driving a half an hour and I cherish that.
I am blessed to have a beautiful home, cars, clothes, an air conditioner, a great job, awesome callings and good health. I found my dream job when I started to work for BYU. I was not accepted to go to school there years ago, but now I am there. I work with the best people and I truly love my job. I love the atmosphere, the flexibility, the prayers at the beginnings of meetings, the devotionals, the small walks I can take with Rob every so often and being trusted to do so much. I will forever be grateful for that. I also am still working in the temple. I love being there but I am wondering if it is time to let it go. I feel like I need to be with Rob more but I love the feeling and the spirit that is there. I was also told that as long as I work there, my family would be blessed for my service. What if I were to give it up and then blessings go away? Would it be my fault? I just don't know what to do. I just never want my family to feel like they come second.
I am also blessed to now hold the title of Grandma. It still seems unreal to me and today my heart hurts. I was able to spend two weeks in Florida taking care of Cortnie and holding my grandson - Myles Julian DaCosta. There is nothing like a baby curled up on your chest fast asleep. It was pure heaven and knowing that spirit just left our Heavenly Father is awe inspiring. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done to walk out their door on Tuesday to leave them across the country knowing that I will not see them again until September and he will be three months old by then. It still breaks my heart to think about it. Today, I wish that I could travel by light speed to the other side of the country just to hold him for a minute and then come back. I wish I could be there when my daughter calls to see she is struggling and having a hard day as she is having a hard time getting enough milk to feed her son, so is not sleeping due to constipation from formula. I wish I could give her a hug and make it all better. But, all I can do is give encouraging words and fall on my knees to say a little prayer for her ask Heavenly Father to hug her for me. I just have to trust that He is there for her and that she will be okay. I now know what it was like for my parents to leave me living in Arizona for all of those years and only get to see us twice a year. I already have three flights booked to Orlando though the rest of this year but it is just not quite the same as having them a half hour away.
Let me tell you about little Myles though. He came in to this world a healthy 8 pound, 8 ounce bouncing baby measuring 21 inches long. He has the brightest eyes and dark hair. He is so alert all the time and loves to look around. His mother was a trooper as she endured labor almost till the end naturally. She finally gave in to the epidural though and he was born a couple of hours later. However, we went to bed knowing she was in labor and getting close, so I did not sleep much. I kept checking my phone. I finally asked for an update about 1:30, and was sent a picture only from Jonathan - no "it's a boy", no everything is good - nothing! What kind of mother does he think I am? I needed answer. I had to wait until about 5 that morning for Cortnie to finally call and give me details. My little girl was a mother. They went home the next day to try to become a family. However, after two days he had not urinated so back to the ER they went. Once again, I had not sleep but at least Cortnie called every two hours with updates. He was dehydrated due to lack of breastmilk so she was feeding him more formula. But unfortunately, that backed him up so he had a hard time pooping. I will have to say though, he finally figured it out as he was on my lap. I checked his diaper and the lava came pouring out the volcano. It went all over his leg and feet. I went to clean him up and he proceeded to go again while I was cleaning him up. So, we decided to give him a bath and while the bath water was warming up he proceeded to pee all over the cupboards and floor. We laughed so hard - one moment I will always remember. I hope there are many more memories - ones that I will cherish. I just hope that he will not forget us in between visits and be "scared" when he sees us. Cortnie says we will facetime and so forth, but it is just not quite the same. I looked at babies at church today that are about three months old and thought "that is where Myles will be the next time I see him". It breaks my heart, but I have to trust the process. I want him to know his grandparents. And yes, his grandpa is smitten - he did not want to come to Florida but he cried when he saw him. He will be a great grandpa.
So life goes on. I want my other children to know they are just as important and that I love them. I want to spend time with them and laugh together. I want to hold my husbands hand and be there for him as we walk this path together. I want to keep Christ in our lives and live so that we can be together forever. I want to be happy, to smile, to be a better person each day. I want to keep looking for rainbows and cherish each and every one.
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