Sad...but Happy

Wow, it seems like it has been forever since I have written and especially since I took Boyd to the airport...but it has only been just over two weeks.  I will have to say that it has been a very long, hard two weeks emotionally and spiritually.  My life is still one big rollercoaster ride but I am ready to get on the kiddie one and have it sail smooth for awhile.

It all started out two days after we dropped Boyd off. I was at work and was told I had a phone call.  I went to the phone to ask the costumer to wait and the reply was...okay mom.  It was Boyd.  My heart sank and I wanted to cry. I finished with my costumer then answered the phone. I tried to be as cheery as a possible good knowing that on the other end was going to be sad boy. Boy....was I right but I had not idea it was that bad.  As soon as I answered, he started to cry.  He begged and pleaded with me to bring him home. He told me that he could not do it and that he just needed to come home for a year, go to school and then go back out. He said that he was only there cause I wanted him to be and that he was not ready to do all of this.  My heart was broken. I wanted so badly to cry with him and to tell him to get on the next plane - but I knew that I could not do that.  If he came home, I knew he would not go back out and he would regret it so bad.  We talked for quite a while about what was going on and how he was feeling.  He continued to beg me to bring him home but I was strong.  We talked for well over an hour and finally I got him calmed down.  I told him about the promises he got when he was set apart and that he was told the there were people in Virginia that would only accept the gospel because of him.  That seemed to be the turning point....he asked me if he really said that and I told him that he had.  I wanted so bad to hug him and tell him it would be okay - and he told me that he missed my hugs so much.  I was not hiding it but told him I missed him like crazy too but that he had a work to do.  He finally calmed down and agreed to stay for the weekend. President Pratt asked if it would be okay to give him some meds to calm him down and I agreed as long as Boyd said it was okay.  It was so hard to hang up knowing that he was hurting so bad. That he hated life right then and probably me. That he wanted to be my little boy again and cuddle in my arms.  I cried so hard the rest of the day. 

That began a very long weekend of fasting and prayer. I do not honestly believe that I have ever fasted and prayed so hard in my life.  It was also the weekend I was taking Cortnie back to school (yes, two kids in one week out of my home) and that was so hard. I did not want to go as I was afraid he would call again.  I did get another phone call on the way to Utah from President Pratt.  It was that night. He told me that Boyd seemed to be doing better and was going to keep praying about what to do.  He was being taken under the wing of his district leader.  I fasted all day on Friday, ate very little on Saturday, then fasted again on Sunday.  I asked for other to join in my fast and prayers.  Sunday after church, I took my scriptures and went to the grounds of the Provo Temple.  I prayed and read all the scriptures I could find about peace.  There were so many missionaries there - coming over from that MTC to walk around and take pictures.  It was amazing the peace it brought to me seeing them and picturing my son doing the same thing.  I had a feeling he would be okay but I was so skeptical.

Later that night by phone rang again and it was from Mexico.  President Pratt was on the line. He told me that my son was a totally different person and was doing so much better.  He also told me that Boyd had told him to tell me that he was staying.  Tears of you ran down my cheeks.  That little part of me wanted to scream no though - I am sorry, but it did.  I would love to have my son home.  However, he had made that commitment to serve our Heavenly Father and I know it will change him forever.  Since then we have been able to email chat once a week and it is paradise.  It is so hard when it is time to go - that hour flies by.  He has told me that he knows he is supposed to be there and go to Virginia.  He is still struggling so bad with the language though and even wrote a letter home to Rob to ask him for suggestions.  Now my prayers are turned to Spanish.  I want him to succeed.  He had a hard week last week as one of the sisters who was going with him to Virginia did end up going home and his companion was thinking about it too. He was playing the other card this time and was trying to help them want to stay. 

So, life goes on.  A big part of me is empty and I wish so bad I could have another hug and just hear his voice. I miss my teddy bear and my daughter at college.  My house seems so quite here but we are trying to get involved with our other two children too.  I would much rather be with my kids doing things than anything else.  We are supposed to go to a getaway in a couple of weeks (just Rob and I) and I am so afraid of going.   I don't like to leave my kids alone or be without them.  I love my  husband but I worry way to much.

For now, I pray that my Heavenly Father will protect us all and especially help Boyd.  I will be okay as long as I know my children are all right too - and my best friend