What Happened to my Live?

Holy cow, I knew it had been a while since I had written anything but not a whole year.  I think about it all the time, but am so not good at this journaling  thing. I need to be better.  Right now, life is in such a chaos and my heart is very full.  Tears fall very easily and my mind goes a thousand miles a minute.  Let me start with some good stuff though - if I can remember it. 

We finally finished the house!  The basement is done and the dust is gone.  Ror worked every night after work for three or four  hours in the basement and all day on Saturday. We all helped...we nailed and painted and got dirty together so that part was nice. It was great to bond. However, the mess was horrible.  I just finallly had to give up trying to mop my floor every night.  We did hire out some help with the sheetrock and HVAC but other than that, we did it ourselves. Rob says he will never do it again. We also hired out the yard as we were tired of the dirt and just wanted it done.  It is so nice to have it all done but I still wonder sometimes why we bought such a large home.  I do love it and am proud to call it mine.  Britt, Boyd and Skyler all live here with us so that is fun too but I so worry that do not have a social life at all. Brittnie will be 30 this year and wants so badly to be married and have kids. I want that for her too. She tries to be social in her ward and do things but still has not had a date if years.  She was going to move in an apartment with some friends but that fell through so at the last minute, she joined us here too.  I do LOVE having them here, but I am afraid they are getting too settled in and won't move on with their lives. The boys did find jobs as academic coaches at a charter school close to us and they love it.  Skyler says he thinks maybe he is supposed to be a school teacher now.  Boyd still does his online art school and Britt works for Rick still. 

As for Cortnie she is still in Florida. I miss her terribly but she seems happy. She was supposed to come home this week but things have changed so we won't see her now for a couple of months. She has a boyfriend now who treats her like a queen but he is not LDS and that worries her. She wants to marry someone who has the same believes as her and will raise her children in a forever family.  She has decided to leave Disneyworld though and go back to graduate school. She was accepted to the top school in the nation - Boston University- which is great, but still so far away. And, it is so expensive. She will have so much debt when she is done. She is supposed to start there in the fall. 

We have had great memories this past year. We spent a week in Orlando with Shawn, Coby and Tina's families but we were mostly on our own. It was so great to be with Cortnie for that long and laugh with her. She says the hardest part of being away is listening to all of us when she calls as we laugh and play together. I know how she feels as I was that way for 27 years. I try to include her as much as I can, but it is hard.  She was also here for a week at Christmas time which was the best!  I always want my family near for the holidays and was glad she was able to come.  Nothing is better than having all of my children together under my own roof - and the love the fact they all have their own rooms and beds too.  The memories of sharing rooms and sleeping on air mattresses will always be there but at least now everyone can be more comfortable. 

It is still so great to be near family although we dont' do as much with them as I thought we would.  Everyone is so busy and they all have little children still at home, but it is still nice to be close.  Rob's mom is not doing great and is bed bound now so that is hard.  She has demetia really bad so does not remember things. That is hard on Rob to see her that way but we still love her.  My parents are doing okay but mom is getting weaker every day.  My awesome dad has so much patience with her and takes care of her without complaint. She has him up three or four times a night and he does all the household chores and cooking. I try to help as much as I can and we visit often.  They still try to make family events and activities even though it is hard on them.  I love them so much.

Life ....well, life right now is totally not ordinary.  There is a horrible virus that has over taken the wold - COVID19.  It started in China and has worked its way here.  It has taken the lives of so many people and is a horrible sickness that has no cure.  We have been basiclly quarantined to our homes for the past two weeks and have been asked to do it at least two more weeks. We can leave to get groceries or to the doctor, but can't visit family or meet in groups of ten or more.  We can still go on walks but have to still 6 feet away from anyone not in our home.  Missionaries are being sent home from all over the word (Brayden comes home this week) and have to quarantine for 14 days then will be reassigned someone in their home country. Restaraunts can no longer have people inside so all have curb side takeout or drive through.  Travel is disrupted....they don't want us to take planes anywhere, cruise lines have shut down ( my work was taking us on a cruise in three weeks which has been cancelled),  and Disney has closed!!  The happiest place on earth is bare right now. Cortnie is still getting paid but is just stuck at home.  That is why she will not be home this week - we don't dare put her on a place.  I have switched on online order pickup at the grocery store once a week and take food to mom and dad when I do.  We are all working from home now except for Brittnie. The schools have all closed and are doing virtual classrooms so the boys do that each day while Rob and I do our regular work. I am just so glad our jobs can be done from home. If I was in the pharmacy still, I would have to go in everyday.  It is not much fun staying home all day long though so I try to walk on my breaks.  The movie theaters and all fun places are shut down so we are basically on our own.  It is so lonely and so hard. 

To say I am not worried would be a a lie. I am not really scared but I am worried. Do I have enough food to feed my family; will one of us get sick; will Cortnie be okay so far away and if something were to happen, could I go to her; will my parents be okay; will my siblings be able to survive as some of them have lost their income....so many things to worry about it.   However, the gospel brings such peace to my heart.  I have found things in the scriptures I have not found before.  I have turned to gospel music on Sunday.  We can not have church either so we have church in our home every Sunday. How grateful I am we have the priesthood here to admisister the sacrament to us.  Next week is General Conference and I can hardly wait. We were told at the last conference that this next one would be one like no other ....well, that is for sure. There will be no conference building, no choir, and only the speakers allowed in the room. It will all be through broadcast only.  I am so grateful for President Nelson and is short videos he puts out on facebook or LDS.org that tell us to have peace and comfort in Christ. He has told us this will pass but I sure wish I knew when.  I am so ready to listen to him next week. Today has been hard.   I am the only one awake still so have church music playing, got ready for church - hair curled and dress on, but I am so weapy today.  I cry for no reason yet I feel so peacful. 

I will say, this is not fun at all.  I am trying to make the most of it and not be afraid. I am trying to be positive for my family.  It is not easy though when every where you look you see or hear about the virus.  I just am ready for it to be over  I am ready for my life back. I want to see my daughter in Florida and be able to hug her.  I want to go on vacation with my family and I want to have a huge party.  I know I need to be patient and try my best to listen to the government and stay home. They say that distancing is what will make this all go away.  It will keep spreading if we are together.  I just can't help wondering if this is the end?  Is Christ coming soon?  If so, am I ready to meet him face to face and let Him love me. To tell Him I am sorry for all the nails that were mine that were put in his feet and hands.  Am I ready and am I worthy for His hug?  I am not sure we are at that point yet, but it makes me wonder if this is what it will be like?  I just want to be happy and to be free.  I want to know that I am worthy and that my family is too. My son still will not go to church so I worry that he will be left behind.  I want us all together.

So, life right now is interesting.  I hope to stay positive and have more positive notes next time I write.  Today is a day of fasting and prayer worldwide. I pray that prayers will be answered and this will all be over quickly. Until then, we try to hold on to what we have and be thankful for it. 

Time Flies By

Holy Cow...it is hard to believe that another five months has gone by without my writing our events.  I need to do better at writing and putting my thoughts into words. I forget about it plus life is busy.  This past few months has been no exception.

Probably the biggest news is that we bought a house!!  It is about three times as big as my old house and the house I probably should have had when all of my kids were still home.  However, Boyd and Skyler are living here now and Brittnie spends the night quite often. It is so nice to have beds for them instead of the floor or couch.  We also have visitors that come spend a few days so the extra room for them is nice too. In fact, we will have friends from Bullhead three times in the next six weeks!  It is really nice to have my family come over and be able to put up extra tables in the house and still be able to walk around without tripping over each other. There is no way I could have seated 30 people in my old home.  I love the fact that it is mine.  I appreciate so much my parents letting us stay there for way longer than we thought, but we finally have our own space again.  I was able to get some new furniture and pictures, Rob has a workshop (at least soon it will be finished as we are getting ready to start finishing the basement), we have a 3 car garage and this week we will have grass again.  It is in a quiet neighborhood and fairly close to work....not as close as Bullhead but a lot closing than most people who live up here.  Rob travels about 20 minutes each way which is way better than an hour as most due.  I love my big kitchen with my double ovens and my HUGE pantry.  The utilities are so much cheaper here and so far, we are good. I will say it comes with a house payment three times the amount too which I am still a little bit nervous about, but with our raises and retirement, so far we are doing okay.  How grateful I am for my many blessings. Everyone asks me what is the best part about being here and I immediately say being close to our family. We can go to graduations, ordinations, farewells, get togethers - all things we were not able to do for the past 27 years. I love having my kids close by but how I wish Cortnie was closer too.  She is still living her dream though and as much as I miss her, I am happy for it. Besides, she still gets us free tickets :-).  We are still trying to fit into the ward and have made a few friends, but the worse part about it all is missing them so badly.  I wish they were here too then it would be perfect.

We have spent lots of time the past few months getting the house ready and moving in.  I am one that does not disorganization so must of my boxes were emptied within the first three days.  I wanted my home put together.  Work has been awesome letting us have the time off we need.  I am so happy with our jobs and that we have great work schedules.  My boys both lost their jobs though which is so heartbreaking for a mom when they call to say " I just got fired".  They say they are looking and I pray that they are. They are just being very picky about what they want to do. The bad part is, they are almost out of money so they need to not be so picky anymore and find something.  I am the mother that worries so much about her kids.  I just want everyone to be happy.

We had an awesome time on our cruise to the Caribbean.  That was our family Christmas gift last year.  We had not seen Cortnie since Christmas so being with her was the best!  I miss her so much.  We fly to Orlando and went to the park for a day laughing and playing and having a great time.  I am so glad my kids like each other and we get along so well.  The park was  a long day though as we got in way too late the night before so did not have much sleep.  We did not even stay for the shows or fireworks this time.  The next morning we drove to Fort Lauderdale to board the Royal Caribbean Independence of the Seas. Our last boat was nice but this one was better. It was HUGE!  I could not believe how big it was.  It held over 4000 guest plus all the crew.  It had so much to do just on the boat. We spent the days there on the water slide, the game room, shopping and just relaxing playing games. Skyler even ate real food in the dining room. Of course, it was the exact same thing for the five nights but that is okay. By the time we got to night three our waiter knew exactly what to bring him yet he was always saying he was going to bring him Ceasar salad or something funny like that.  Sky would have steak, two helpings of mashed potatoes with a side of gravy and ranch, and all the rolls they would bring him. He also had fruit as an appetizer and actually ate the cantaloupe and grapes after making funny faces with them on his face. He gave the rest away. The last night he ate 8 rolls on top of it all. Oh yeah, he also had chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert.  We laughed so much mostly at dinners and just had fun.

We spent two days off the boat in Cozumel and Costa Maya. Costa Maya has a huge waterpark that includes zip lines and the works. We played there all day going down slides that we so scary (some I would not do twice like the one where you were enclosed the whole time and I could not breathe). The zip lines were awesome especially landing in the water on the last one. Poor Britt had to have a worker come out and rescue her twice and she did not make it to the end of the line.  They finally figured out it was due to a faulty piece of equipment. She looked so funny just hanging there up in in the trees.  On Cozumel we rented these little open air cars and took a tour of the island.  We say an old Mexican village were the mamita actually made us homemade tortillas. Rob, Cortnie and Boyd went snorkeling and we got to see (and sample which we did not) Tequilla.  I was so afraid that Skyler would not like that tour, but he even said it was great and he had a good time.  We spent a couple hours shopping here too and once again, everyone was happy and patient.

All too soon it was over.  Our flight home was horrible as I picket one with two stops and long layovers. I will not do that again nor will I rent a car that is off the airport  - I will get one right there. It was hard to leave Cortnie but nice to come home. I could have easily stayed another few days though.  There is nothing more fun to me than spending time with my family and hearing them laugh.  Two weeks after we got home, we booked another trip to go to  Orlando with Tina, Shawn and Coby for a week in October.  I so wish it was sooner as I am ready to go now.  Those trips are fun too but not as fun as going by ourselves. We will do some things with them, but some we will do on our own too.  Cortnie will also be home the end of July for a few days too so that will be really nice.  She has not seen our home yet and loves to see her relatives.

As for everyday life, we work and we come home.  Most nights I am by myself as the guys are all off playing their games so I go for long walks or watch something on TV. It is somewhat boring sometimes but I am grateful to have time to relax.  Now that we are starting the basement, I think it will be a little bit different at night but we will see.  My hope is to have a bedroom for Cortnie when she comes in July but that might be pushing it.  I am loving the cooler weather as all of our friends say it is over 100 degrees there already and we have yet to hit 80.  However, there has been so much rain this year it is crazy.  I told Rob we needed to build an ark and not a basement.  I think it might be past that now though which would be nice. I don't mind it but I would like my yard finished and the rain is stopping that.  Life is good. For the most part I am happy.  Somethings I still really miss but I love the freedom. The down part of my job is I sit all day long so I have put on lots of weight. I try to still eat good but I don't walk around all day like in the pharmacy. That part is very depressing for me.  I want to start to run again and hopefully that will help

Anyway, time to get ready for church.  Another bad part of living here with so many wards...church is at 12:30 which is so late so the mornings are really long.  I am just glad that I have a church to go to though and can take the sacrament each week. My goal is to start going to the temple at least once a month too.  I need to convince Rob of that one.  It makes my life complete. 

What has happened part 2

It has been so long I am not even sure where to start.  I sit here in my parents basement wondering what we have done and long for that peace I felt last March.  Many times I wonder if we have done the right thing and if we will ever find friends or a house again.  I am so blessed to be close to my children though and to have them come over all the time, but I miss my friends and ward so much it hurts.  I miss having a place of my own and my own stuff.  I miss a bedroom that I can walk around in without bumping into Rob. I miss the warm weather and I miss my "church babies".  Tonight, I am feeling somewhat down and I find myself feeling that way more and more. I so long for that peace and assurance that we are where we are supposed to be.  There is no going back so I have to make the most of it. I try to be happy, to be patient, to smile and to be outgoing but it is hard.  Why do some dreams hurt?  Why do some plans seem so hard and so far away?  Why do we have to struggle and doubt and wonder?  I know it is for my growth, but I still can not help but wonder if this was really our plan.  I will keep praying for help and peace - and for a home!!

It has been almost 7 months since we left our home in Bullhead to start this new journey.  It was so hard at first.  After working day after day for years, it was so hard to sit and do nothing. I read books, I took naps, I applied for hundreds of jobs and I took care of my mom who entered the hospital five days after I got here.  I knew I was here when I needed to be. She was in a care center for a month and I was able to help take care of her and dad. The week after she came home, the job opportunities and interviews started to come.  It was so hard to go to interviews and fill out applications, to be turned down and to try again.  However, after two months we finally had some luck and landed jobs - not the best paying jobs but we had jobs.  We had no idea how we were going to be able to afford a house but it was a start. Houses here are about three times as much as our house there was.  Rob took a part time job at night working from home and soon found a computer tech jobs during the day. He did the both and still was not making even close to what he had there. I took  a job with a payroll management company after turning down two others. It just felt right. It was a small company and I was a person not a number.  I felt a part of the team and I was/am happy.  Since then I have been asked to move into the accounting department which came with a nice raise.  I have a good boss who understands family time and is very patient.  Rob has since been hired on at Oracle and doubled his salary.  It is actually more than he was making as  a teacher which is nice.  He still insists on doing the night job for a few more months.  We finally feel like we can afford to buy a house although the thought of how much it is going to be is killing us. We go out every Saturday looking and come home discouraged cause we can't afford or can't find.  I finally got a realtor on our side last week so hopefully we can find something now. Our list is not too long..close to work and the kids.  That is almost impossible but we are working on it. I want my kids to come over all the time and brighten my home.  Hopefully soon we can find or build our dream home.  One that will have the Spirit in it and will bring years of happiness to those involved.  I am very ready to get out of the basement - to have more freedom, to cook what I want, to eat when I want, to have my treadmill, to go on a diet (30 pounds back on since we moved), to have some privacy. My parents are great and I am very grateful.  They cook our meals and shop for food. We have been able to pay off some huge debts and hopefully will have the last one paid off before we move. 

The hardest part of being here is the ward.  It is so much different and we miss our close knit ward so badly.  We miss the babies we used to hold and the ones we used to play with in nursery.  We miss the friends who always came to our house for dinner and felt like a part of our family.  We miss the closeness there and the  feeling of being wanted and needed.  We do teach primary here now so that has helped. We love our kids and they make us feel welcome and needed.  It is just hard....it really is. 

In October of last year, we lost Rob's dad.  In fact, he passed away on Cortnie's birthday which was so hard for her as she was all alone anyone. She found out on social media before I had a chance to call her.  It was actually such a peaceful time. It is hard to watch mom suffer from missing him, but it is so nice to know he is happy again. He had not been out of bed for almost a year. He went peacefully too with no pain.  The funeral was a bonding time, a reunion, and a time for many tears.  Our kids had never lost anyone that they loved so it was all new to them. We explained to them the night before what would happen with the viewing and the funeral.  I won't forget them standing in front of the casket with tears streaming down their cheeks as they said good-bye. The hardest part for me is always when they close the casket.  Rob actually gave the family prayer and did a great job.  We cried as he and his siblings gathered around one more time before the lid was closed.  The funeral itself was full of laughter and tears.  Uncle Berl kept telling Cortnie to stop crying as he tried to talk. The grandkids were asked to sing Families Can Be Together Forever - at least try to sing. It went from child to child as they each sang then had to stop as they cried.  I think it affected Skyler the most. As he came off the stand, he basically fell into his father's arms and just cried - right there in the aisle.  It was very touching.  The boys were pale bearers and got to have the honor of carrying their grandfather to his resting place. Everyone gave Skyler and Spencer a bad time as they are smaller and told them they had to be in the middle so grandpa was not dropped on his head. The day was beautiful as we went to the cemetery.  Chad dedicated the grave then the pale bearers were asked to remove their roses and place them on the casket.   Mom then was given a white rose to place there.  I will never forget Rob walking up to the casket either and placing his hand on it.  He quietly said "bye dad".  We then all gathered around as his  family in a group hug.  He was a  great man.

About a month after the funeral we got a phone call from Skyler saying he could not do college anymore.  He had not been back since the funeral and was failing his classes. He asked if he could move here with us until he figured things out.  So we moved him here on December 15th - to our small basement that we call home.  He lost his scholarship and I think his pride.  I keep hoping he will find a job and do something but as of yet, he has not. I still have a strong feeling he is supposed to be here with us though if only to find the church again.  I am trying to be patient and to be loving.  I ask him every week to come to church but not yet.  He has done some things with kids from home who are going to school here and they are great kids.  We just keep praying for him to find his way.

That takes us to Christmas.  What a wonderful time!  Cortnie was able to come home for five days so Boyd and Brittnie moved in as well. We had air mattresses, sleeping bags, suitcases all in our little basement.  In the middle of it all, we had a Christmas tree. It was small and skinny but I was able to put out a few ornaments and try to make it Christmas. I missed spending hours decorating and bringing the spirit but we had something. All of my stuff stayed in boxes this year which was not fun.  We laughed, stayed up way late, ate lots of junk, wrapped presents, sang, went to movies....it was just great to be together.  I could have not had one present on Christmas and been just fine as I had my family.  Everyone seemed happy as we were able to give them some nice gifts (no house payment right now remember) and a big family gift - a Caribbean  cruise.  We used the vacation money I got when I left Smiths (five weeks worth) to buy a nice gift for them. We go the end of April and I wish it was tomorrow. I mean it did snow today about a foot so why not go where it is warm and sunny.  They all seem excited about it and I can't wait.  There is nothing I enjoy more than spending time with my family and I love vacations. 

So, where are we now? What has happened?  We are treading water hoping to stay afloat as we swim the tides that come our way.  We are trying to stay happy, positive, patient, humbled, and faithful.  I am just so glad that the ride I am on is with my best friend.  We have our moments of not being so patient or loving as we are in a small house and stressed, but we are in it together.  I know that our prayers will be answered as they should be and  our new journey will start. 

What has Happened?

Has it really been six months since I have last written?  Oh my goodness life has changed in the blink of an eye and I need to write it down. However, it might take me all night. I don't have that kind of time right now so will try to summarize the best I can but still keep detail.  Our lives are about to take a major change. The ride is fast and scary and as it gets closer I am wondering if I even want to get on.  So much  has happened....

We are so extremely blessed to live in this free country. I am so grateful for internet, telephones, computers, texting, pictures, family.  I get the chance to talk to my children every day. sometimes it is only a text but the ones I cherish the most are the video calls. I love seeing their faces and their smiles.  Cortnie is the one who videos us the most and I am so glad.  I feel so alone for her many days as she does not have much of a life. Her new job schedule is such that she goes to bed at 7 each nigth to be up by 4:50 to go to work.  She has to have her sleep or does not function well so she basically works all day, comes home for dinner and heads to bed. I am so proud of her though. She did not get her dream job but she was hired by the "mouse" as she puts it.  She is officially working at Disneyworld as a seamstress but hopes to move up into designing. We miss her so much. All the kids are far away but we get to see them more. 

However, our family dream vacation finally happened.!  We went to Hawaii for 9 days.  I was under a budget but just did not care. I wanted to spend money on the kids and to just have fun. That we did. We ziplined, kayaked, hiked, ate, swam in the ocean. scuba dived, went to church, walked in the rain, shopped and ate a very expensive meal right on the edge of the beach.  It was so awesome. We had a beautiful condo, the plane ride was long but nice and we laughed. We were so exhausted when we got done.  Our flight home was delayed almost 5 hours so we got into California about 2:00 a.m. only to be back to the airport by 9. It was rough couple of days but we had a blast.  I will never get over the scenery that is there. It is so pretty and so peaceful.  We had a few quirks with siblings caring enough about each other that they always wanted to be together and sometimes that did not happen. But for the most part, life was pure heaven for that week plus.  I would have given anything to stay there longer and away from the life we have created for ourselves here. 

In the mist of all the chaos, we had our final child graduate. Skyler graduated with honors and high grades on May 19th.  He so did not want to go to graduation.  He appeased me by letting his dad take graduation pictures of him while Cortnie was home and we even sent out announcements. He has received a full ride scholarship to Southern Utah University in Cedar City, UT.  He will go there for a least one year before moving on.  No family was able to come to his graduation but I tried to make the day special for him.  A week after graduation is when we went to Hawaii and then five days later he took off to Connecticut to surprise his online gaming friend for five days.  He was so excited to go there and surprise Jai.  They had a blast.  They hardly ever went to bed and played all day long. He bragged that he only showered one time the entire time he was there but I did not find that amusing.  I am just so glad he go the chance to go.  Then two days ago we took him to Cedar City to start his adult life. I was not ready for him to go yet and really wanted him to wait another month.  However, other circumstances made it that he wanted to go now. He is hoping to find a good job before all the other students come back and start earning money now.  He needs to as he will have bills and responsibilities now.  I was so not ready to let him go.  I just do not feel that he is ready.  However, he has assured me that he is and that he will be fine.  I did find out last night though that he has been crying the past couple of weeks due to being scared and worried.  He is all alone in his apartment for at least a  month. He seems excited about it now, but after a few days I think he will not like it. It is not fun to be alone.  I cried a lot yesterday as I have done with the other three kids too.  I just miss them so much.  Last night I went into his room before bed as I have done every night for 18 years to give him his kiss. I knew he was not there but I went anyway. The hole in the heart is big and the prayers will never cease.  I pray he will be okay. 

As for us, another HUGE change is about to occur.  We are moving in five days!  It still seems so unreal to me that it is really happening and I am truly scared.  Rob had some major changes with the school district this year and they wanted him to teach at a different school with a different subject.  He has been at his school for 27 years.  He was not even asked if he would go but was told he was.  Our plan was to have him teach one more year than retire and move.  Well, when all of this happened we looked into retirement now.  The difference in the pay was not enough to have him stay another 4 months let alone a year.  He decided to retire now.  We both prayed and felt so right with our decision. We cleaned and purged and put the house on the market. It sold within 8 days for more than we were asking.  Everything went so right so fast we knew and know there is a reason we are moving now.  We have not figured all of that out yet as we have not been able to secure any type of job (and yes we will still need to work some) nor will we have a home to call our own.  We want to wait to find out which area of Salt Lake or Utah County we will be working in before we buy a house. So for now, all of our precious stuff will go in a storage unit while we live in my parents basement. I am not excuted about that at all. I am thrilled to finally be able to live by our family again but hopefully it won't be long before we have a home again. I plan on making this my last home so want it to be my dream home. We might just build so that it is.  We told work we were leaving which was hard.  I have worked in this pharmacy fro 22 years.  I feel like I have made it what it is today. This week we say good bye to all of that.  I would like to stay with Smiths but I do not want to do retail pharmacy anymore if I can help it.  I want to be in an office and have my same 8 -- 5 job Monday through Friday.  Our house is all packed and ready to go. I need to pack clothes, and bedding .  We have beds to take down and a truck to load.  We had to talk in church today which was very difficult as well. I did pretty good until the end when I tried to tell everyone thank you for all they have done for us.  We have been in this ward for 27 years.  To say I am scared is an understatement.  I am worried about jobs, a home, my children, our health, and so much more. However, when I feel overwhelmed I remember that peace we felt about three months ago when we made this decision.  If it was not right our house would have not sold nor would the retirement be the same.  We are taking a huge leap of faith and together crossing a bridge into a new pathway of life.  I pray we can afford it as it costs so much more to live there. I pray we can make new friends and be happy. I pray we will be safe as we travel this next week to our new destination. I pray for peace as we embark on this new journey. 

The ride is going to be wild. I will have to let you know how it really goes after we embark on it. 

Best Holidays Yet!

So if you know me very well, you know that I LOVE the holidays. They are my favorite time of the year and I can hardly wait for them to come. I  love decorating, cooking, baking, shopping, eating, hosting parties, giving presents....just the whole ordeal.  I wish that we could have the holidays all the time.  I love the spirit that is in the air as people seem to be nicer to each other and more kind.  I love the fact that Christ is talked about so much and that we are given the chance to sing praise to him. Nothing beats a Christmas song.  If I still had my own car to drive, I would play Christmas music year round.  The absolute best part of the holidays though is family. I will gladly give up holiday pay at work to be able to spend the holiday with my family.  Nothing beats it and this year was no different. 

I think as we get older that we tend to value the  relationships we have with our families more.  We value the time we can spend with our parents as their age is starting to affect their frail bodies and health concerns abound.  It is hard to only see them every so often and realize that they are getting more frail each day.  I cherish the times I can spend with our parents. I love the father's blessings I can get from my dad.  I love talking to my mom about recipes and laughing at her funny comments.  However, the thought comes to my mind every time we pull away about whether I will see them again.  I wish so bad we were close enough to help them more and take care of them.  I am afraid by the time we finally get there, they might not be around anymore.  So, I value parent time. 

As my children have gotten older and have moved away, I miss them in my home so much.  I know that they have their own lives to live but I wish they were closer.  I am thankful beyond belief for technology that allows me to talk to them everyday.  They all call to say good night every night and that makes me feel a part of them.  I wish I could be there to tuck them in.  Many nights I sneak into Skyler's room after he is asleep to pull the covers up tighter to to kiss his head.  I don't have much longer to be able to do that either as he will be leaving my home this summer.  It breaks my heart but I am so proud of all of them.  How grateful I am that we are able to bring them home for the holidays and have our home full again.  We were so lucky to have them all here this past year and I value it so much. 

Rob and I were talking after Christmas about how this seemed to be one of the best holidays ever.  I can not pin point a reason why but it just was.  I love the noise in  my home  - from the teasing to the laughter to the tears.  I love the excitement in the air as my "old" children still plan ways to get us out of bed on Christmas morning to pen gifts.  They are just like little children.  We had a great Christmas this year as always and the kids seem to be more thankful now that they are older.  They appreciate the sacrifice a little bit more.  They might not, but I would give up all the gifts if I had too just to be able to have them in my home.   To me, Christmas is not about the gifts but about what I can give - to my family, our friends and to our Savior.  It is all worth it in the end to sacrifice so much. 

It was harder this year to tell them all good bye as we have seen each other so much the past few months.  There are no plans on the horizon until June to see each other again although I am sure we will.  I need my fix before then. I think the hardest one was putting Cortnie on the plane all alone to head back to Florida - all alone.  She does not have the luxury of going to see her sister or brother whenever she wants or to hang out with cousins. It was hard too cause at that time she did not know her future.  Her plans for Disney were falling apart and she was not offered a job at the end of her internship.  She really had nothing to go back for but to finish her one week of her internship.  She has since landed a temporary only job which hopefully will turn into full time but that also means she has lost her privileges to go to the parks for free and to get us in.  She goes to work then home to an empty apartment every night.  My heart breaks for her as she tries to understand Heavenly Father's plan for her.  She is applying for graduate schools now which is the last thing she wants to do but feels like she is supposed too.  Many times I have thought about how I would have given up but she continues to press on and to have faith. What an example she is to me. 

I was lucky to get to spend an entire weekend with her in Florida before Christmas.  We had so much fun even though we were dead beat tired.  I am hoping to do it again if she is still there.  I have had and will have some valuable alone time with each of my children this year and it is the best. I feel like my relationships with each of them has grown stronger and stronger.  How grateful I am for that.  I am so thankful for family.  For the best friend I could have ever asked for to be by my side as we make this journey together.  I am grateful that it will last forever and ever and one day we can have our own dream world and mansion.  Many changes are coming our way in the next couple of years if things work out as we would like. I believe we are going to have to draw closer together and work harder together to make it all happen.  I am just so glad  I get to do it with him. 

Cherish each day. Cherish each phone call and laughter and smile and hug.  That is what I have learned as I have grown older.  I am excited for the future and pray that I get to be here for many more years. I still have weddings to plan and grandbabies to hold.  I can't wait!!

Family Time!!

I sit here tonight so excited for the upcoming holidays and the sweet peace that they bring. It is my favorite time of the year.  More than the decorations or the baking or the lights or the tree....my favorite thing ever is family time!  I miss being around family and even more having my children here with us.  Nothing can compare to the laughter and the hugs and the closeness of family.  Heavenly Father must have known how important it was to not be alone so he gave us families.  Mine truly is the center of my universe. I would do or give anything to anyone of them.  I am so glad that we are sealed together for eternity from my parents down to my children.  I want every chair full around my table all the time - not just at holidays.  I truly can hardly wait to see everyone again.

This past few months has been a whirlwind. It seems like we are always so busy yet life has been really good.  I was able to fly to Utah three times in one month to be with Brittnie and Boyd.  I surprised Brittnie by showing up at her doorstep on her birthday with balloons and gifts. She had no idea that I was coming so to see her smile was awesome. We went to breakfast with Boyd then headed to meet Tina and Ashlyn. We spent the entire day shopping, eating at her favorite Cheesecake factory then watching a live performance of one of her favorite shows Dancing with the Stars.  Worn out and tired we headed home but it was so worth it.  Bonding is the way to go. 

I spent two more weeks up there helping Boyd and Brittnie move.  Brittnie's move was quote eventful as we ran into many issues from unclean apartments to being locked out of her current place with all of her clothes still inside.  We managed to pull it off and I will say her room was much more organized and clean when we got done.  Boyd's was an easy move as he did not have tons of stuff. We moved him out of my parents into an apartment and he has awesome roommates. He works hard to pay the price to live there but never complains. He is trying so much harder in school this year and wants to succeed so badly.  I could not be more proud of him. 

I always feel guilty when I take off and leave Skyler home with Rob or by himself.  I should not but I do.  I only have a few more months at home with him before he will be gone too.  Then I am stuck with just my best friend.  Skyler is also doing better this year in school - or at least he is fooling me better. He loves choir and is in the top group at school.  He has great friends and seems so much happier this year.  What will I do with another empty chair - be sad of course but proud too.

Cortnie is living her dream.  I miss her like crazy.  I miss all my kids but I guess her being that much farther away seems like she is gone more even though she is not.  We surprised her as a family on her birthday too. She thought just Brittnie was coming to visit her but the scream and look on her face at the airport when she saw us all was great!  And yes she even started to cry.  We had been planning this trip for months and I thought for sure she had caught us the few times we said something and she knew...but she had no clue. We spend five wonderful days together as a family.  We all dressed up for the big Halloween party and even went trick or treating.  We rode rides and ate junk food and walked many miles, and had little sleep but it was so worth it.  It was hard to leave her there but knowing that family time is coming again soon made it easier.  In fact, I am going out for a mom's weekend here in a couple of weeks. I am so excited to finally see what she has been working on and to have it debut in the disney parks on Black Friday.  She has applied for another internship and jobs there so she will most likely be staying in  Florida. That alone breaks my heart but I am so glad she is happy.

As much as I hate the fact that my kids have grown up, I could not be happier for them. Rob and I are very lucky parents to have four beautiful and fun children.  They make us smile and worry and laugh and cry - but nothing could be better.  I thank God everyday for everyone of them.  Almost 30 years ago we started this union of ours and it has been the best 30 years ever.  I made the best decision the  day I married Rob for eternity and that choice has been even better every passing day.  Nothing can beat family time!!

Exciting Changes

Changes...good or bad they will always come and we need to be ready for them.  Other times I wish we could change things even faster and make it a perfect world.  I have so many dreams and hopes that I really wish I could make happen every day, but I have to hold on to those dreams and have faith that one day dreams will come true.  Life is good though.  We are healthy, happy and have many extras in life.  I wonder why we are not farther ahead in life and I truly worry if we will ever be able to afford another home, but those dreams will come true one day as well.   I will have my dream home with a large kitchen and bedrooms to spare with places for people to come visit and want to stay.  I will have a place where grand kids can run and be wild while jumping on grandpa.  I will have a place where my kids will always want to bring their families....but no matter what, I will have a place where the Spirit of Christ will dwell and it will be my little bit of heaven on earth.  Dreams....they are the source of my reality right now.  I have so many hopes and dreams coming up that they seem to constantly invade my mind - sometimes in the wee hours of the morning sleep is taken from me as I ponder how I can make them all come true.  They all involve my family and them being happy.  They involve being together with lots of laughs and hugs and smiles.  Families are forever and I am so grateful for the one I have - my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my in-laws  I am thankful for it all. 

This past few months as brought more changes which have brought challenges yet happiness to our family.  I am so proud of each of my children and hope they know that. I love them beyond measure.  Skyler had a rough year at school as he choose to not be the  straight A smart student this year. We had many a fights about his homework and his grades.  He is way too smart to have C's in his classes, but that is the path he choose.  He did tell me at the end of the year that he made a huge mistake and it should not have been that way. I just pray that he has learned from it and will try harder next year.  He can get so many scholarships and opportunities if he will put forth a little bit of effort. We seem to be somewhat closer as we do not argue as much anymore. His testimony is still wavering but seems to be getting stronger. He told me has has challenged himself to read the Book of Mormon before school starts - I pray that he will. EFY is so worth it to me to spend lots of money to send them too.  Hopefully it helped him. He has started saying he is going on a mission next year so hopefully that will stay the same as well. He is my last one at home and I want to enjoy this last year with him - but sometimes he does not want to enjoy it with his "mom".  I love him anyway.

Boyd finished his first year of school and had much better grades the second time around.  That first year is always the hardest.  He had fun in some of his classes and also found out the school had him in the wrong program. So, needless to say, he took a bunch of classes that he did not need to take.  I am glad I noticed it before he took a bunch more but now he is on the right path. The sad thing is he could be so much farther ahead.  He had a rough moment though when he was let go of his job for not meeting all the expectations they wanted him to meet with out the proper training.  I think in a way it was a relief for him. He seems so much happier now.  He came home right after that for his birthday and stayed an extra week with us.  As we took him home, he finally had two interviews scheduled for another job.  He was given one of those the next day. It is similar to what he was doing but he says the company is so much better and they have trained him well. His training is now over so we shall see. I pray it will work for him as he also signed a lease to move into an apartment in the Fall and get out of my parents home.  He needs more friends and to be involved so I am happy with his choice. It also means he will need lots more money and this job will do that.  I miss him so bad. The ten days he was here was so special and wonderful.  How I wish he was around more. 

My heart is breaking for Brittnie as it seems that her dreams are so far away. She is trying so hard to do what is right and reaching out to everyone. She is friendly and kind but seems like things never go her way. Her lease is soon up for her apartment but she has had the strongest impression that she is to stay there in the ward she is in. She had a room all lined up with a good friend and then that friend decided she did not want to pay the increased rent so she left - after  Brittnie had signed her contract.  So now she has no choice but to stay but she still feels like that is the path for her.  I pray that it is the right one. She will be one of the oldest in her ward so not many chances for dates. Of course, if she would just ask someone out it would be nice.  She needs to make the first move. Her roommates she has right now are not very nice to her and boss her around a lot. They are gone a lot so she is all alone with is not fun either. Her best friend (Cortnie) moved out about two weeks ago so she now no longer has her sister around. She broke my heart last week when she told me she cried herself to sleep after another bout with her roommates and feeling so alone.  Boyd is doing his best to try to make her feel happy and lately she has done more with her ward so that is nice.  Hopefully she will soon come to find out why she is supposed to stay. She feels stuck and like her dreams never come true - but one day they will. 

Cortnie is the biggest change of all.  Her dream since she was just a little girl was to work at Disneyland and to create costumes.  She wants to make a dress for Miss Piggy. This past year she worked her tail off to finish up school. She was costume manager for three plays at school plus worked full time. There were many days she did not sleep at all. She finally walked across that stage and got her diploma in April and graduated with an extra award and medal - the outstanding costume designer at BYU.  wow...what an accomplishment. That is not the big news though. She started to apply for an internship at the Disney parks back in February. She put her heart into the portfolios she submitted and the essays she wrote.  She was pleased to have an interview with  Disneyland and made it to the final one.  Then one morning she got a surprise call from Disneyworld asking if they could interview her that afternoon.  She of course said yes.  That interview went very well as well with the lady calling back to ask for more pictures of the costumes she has made.  Cortnie told her she would send them after work. Well, not 20 minutes later, she gets a phone call from the Disney recruiter letting her know that she is being offered both internships - a very first in history for the parks. No one had ever been offered two internships on the same day before. The choice was hers as to which one she would take.  My heart pleaded for Disneyland as it was so much closer but i know she would be going to Florida.  That internship was the one she really wanted and would give her the chance to create many more designs.  In the long run that is the one she took.  She finished up her last month at her job, did yet another play as costume manager, and then we were on our way to Florida.  Life was so full of unknowns as we headed there but with faith it would all work out.  She has been blessed with two roommates who are very outgoing and include her in on things.  She has a good student ward; she was given her name badge by Mickey Mouse himself; and she has been to the muppet land already.  Life is so good for her.  She is so happy.  Rob and I had the chance to fly out with her to help her get settled and ready to go. We spent a couple of days just playing in the parks and enjoying time with her.  It was so special.  We were able to help her set up her apartment and be with her when she first entered the doors of the casting shop.  However, leaving her there was not something to be desired.  It was so hard and i felt like my heart would break in two.  Part of my world was going to be so far away. Yes I did it before when she went on a mission, but the best part is I can talk to her everyday. Today we skyped with her and saw her beautiful face.  She is living her dream and hopes to continue it with a job when this one is over.  I want her to be happy but I wish she was closer to home.  However, seeing her loving it is all worth it. 

As for me, I work and take care of my sweet husband and best friend ( of course  Skyler falls into that bracket at well). I cherish small moments we can spend together so much. I love for date nights and for work to be through for the  day just so I can see him again. I dont' know if he realizes he still makes my heart flutter after all of these years.  I so pray that we will have many more together and that we can have many more dreams.  Things are in the works for hidden surprised coming up for our children and for the chance to be with them.  I am so thankful we have jobs that allow us to spoil them and to see them.  How I pray that they will know that I love them and cherish them so much. They are my dream.  From the time I was a little girl, my dream was a wonderful family to take care of. So I guess you can say that I am living my dream after all.